October 31 - Robot and upper margin exposition

So sometimes the top margin of my class notes is filled with things other than the delightful Robot (to whom I introduced you before). I have decided to share my notes from a class that happened this Thursday (October 29, as you can see by the date on the page). The course is titled “Introduction to Theory: Critical, Literary, and Cultural,” and it involves reading all of the stuff you might expect (or, if you’re lucky, are not really familiar with at all). This kind of stuff is not really my bag. Anyhow, I’m going to explain all of the little notes I’ve made (to accompany Robot, of course) since these comments are relatively fresh in my mind and can be elaborated upon without much trouble. Oh man, it’s almost like this has relevance to whole “Ship of Theseus” idea! But whoa, let’s not get crazy. Instead let’s just pretend nothing important is going on here and just (hopefully) enjoy the rambling of my in-class mind. (Note: I noticed after uploading this that the image is too small to see on the blog, so unfortunately you'll have to click on it to see all its glory.)

Stop the cover sheets.

In this class we are supposed to turn in ten reading response papers over the course of the semester, so there are short essays being turned in (and handed back) every single meeting. This one guy in the class named Daniel (who the professor calls “Dan-yell,” the way you would normally pronounce a girl’s name like Danielle), always turns in essays with a full-blown cover sheet and bibliography. To me this seems a little extreme for a three page paper. Any time you are inflating the length of your paper by 66%, I think it’s okay to leave out the bibliography since you only consulted one source and just use a heading instead of a cover sheet. But hey, that's just me.

Yes, this is the way my brain works. Welcome to it.

Not by Dr. Pucci?

Dr Pucci is the professor of this course. Although technically a part of the thrown-together Social Theory Department at UK, the course is actually listed in the French Department, which means that it is filled with almost entirely French graduate students. But I digress. Anyhow, when talking about bell hooks on Thursday, a girl in class commented about how we are taught by scholars to accept only “elitist, jargonistic, obtuse” theory, but quickly added, “but not by Dr. Pucci.” Since the woman spent weeks cramming Lacan, Derrida, and Foucault down our throats, I found this comment a bit false and annoying.

Procreate?

Eventually the discussion on Thursday began to wander, something that can be irritating when you come to class, you know, prepared to talk about the text at hand. Anyhow, in the midst of the impromptu discussion about stripping and prostitution, all of the girls in class used the term “procreate” in lieu of any other term that might be used to indicate sexual intercourse. Obviously, I found this is a bit strange and/or troubling.

Oh God: IIII I. Wandering: IIII IIII. Stop: IIII IIII I,

The “Stop” counter is a trademark of mine that I use to keep track of the number of times people in class begin to ramble and talk about useless, silly nonsense (hence, I want them to “stop”). Because the class Thursday was so intensely ridiculous (and to me, detrimental), I decided to add two new counters: “Oh God,” which I used for moments when people insisted on making comments that blew my mind (like steering the discussion into whether or not prostitutes are feminists) and “Wandering,” which I used any time one of my classmates would take the floor and use the opportunity to steer discussion away from anything that could be called practical or instructive. Maybe this created a sort of downward spiral that encouraged inaccuracy, but in the years I’ve done this, I never had a “Stop” counter higher than four. This was a landmark class meeting. (Note: the strikethrough is used in this case to indicate the grouping of five since I couldn't find a more appropriate way to depict it in Word.)

“They are waiting for the male gaze.” Holy. Shit.

As a side note, I sit next to a kind older gentleman in this class named Garland, and I feel weird making comments like this sometimes because I don’t think it’s becoming to write such nastiness (albeit in my small handwriting) when he might see it. Anyhow, when talking whether or not prostitutes and strippers are “empowered,” one girl in the class tried to connect the argument to a previous article we read that suggested that woman obtain agency as objects by being looked at by men (I apologize for trying to synthesize and summarize these arguments). She suggested that that the women in question were not outside of the patriarchal system because they were still “waiting for the male gaze.” Wrap your mind around that for a second. No, seriously, think about it.

A break? Seriously?

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this little note-taking is my passive (and not so aggressive) way of responding to things I take issue with during class. In this case, my professor asked us if we would like to take a break for five or so minutes, which is customary (at least at UK) in the middle of 150-minute seminars. In this case, however, there were only thirty minutes left in the entire class period when she asked us if we were interested in breaking. I kept waiting for her to stop the class in the middle (when we would normally take a break) but instead she plowed through until class was almost over and then asked if we wanted to stop. I don’t want to be a pedant or a jerk, but why the hell would we want to break when we’re that close to being done already?

Continue for a while?

If a break is not taken, 150-minute classes are supposed to be let out early. A lot of professors ignore or break this rule (treating more as a suggestion), but Pucci hadn’t done so yet this semester. But with about five minutes left in the scheduled class period, when people were beginning to pack up their things and preparing to leave, the professor suggested that we "continue for a while. " Clearly this was not a suggestion I enjoyed.

Twilight? Really. REALLY.

I don’t know if you can tell that the second “really” is in all-caps, but I assure you that it is. The difference is subtle. Anyhow, this was the first note I made during the class (which is why it is in Robot’s speech bubble). As much as I take issue with this course and dislike the general approach of some of the grad students from the French Department, it cannot be disputed that the course is absolutely loaded with very cute girls. Before class began, however, two of them were discussing the next Twilight movie, which apparently involves a werewolf and a vampire fighting for a girl’s affection. This is the kind of stuff that haunts my nightmares, and there might be no better way to make me lose interest in someone (male or female). God, it makes me sick just thinking about it.

IT WOULD BE NICE IF WE STARTED PRESENTING??? NO, IT WOULDN’T!!!

As class started, the professor handed out a list of “presentation guidelines” and told us that we would all be giving presentations on one of the texts in class. Although talking about things outside of my specialty is not really my strength, I can appreciate this as a good idea. What I cannot appreciate, however, is telling us about this project with a month left in the semester (a month during which we are supposed to write a response paper a week and produce a twenty-page essay) instead of planning it from the beginning of the term. Trying to set this up so late in the semester is pure bullshit, especially when you force people to pick texts (and dates for presenting) right on the spot without prior notice. I don’t care if you disagree with everything else I’ve written so far as long as you agree with this.

So sad.

This was one of those classes where people felt encouraged to contextualize their comments by noting how they were engaged or had a boyfriend/girlfriend. It always makes me feel weird to know that there are so many people around me who are already married. I guess you could say this is my reaction to it. Moving on…

YES. WE HAVE GONE FAR.

Near the end of class, Dr Pucci noted with a smile that “our discussion had really gone far” today. Given my other comments, particularly the “Oh God/Wandering/Stop” counters, one could assume that I didn’t really share her positive view of the undefined, rambling breadth of our conversation. I’m not trying to limit discussion, but I would like there to be some sort of linear, rational path to follow instead of ridiculous tangential commentary.

Don’t lie, you think men are the enemy.

I love to make note of things people say in classes. In the past I spent a lot of class time recording stupid/silly comments, and while there are certainly still idiotic claims made in graduate school (although to a lesser degree, I feel), I do like to latch on to these sort of unprompted, unnecessary explanations. As is my usual tact, I also like to reverse the comment (since I don’t really feel that the comment needed to be said in the first place). One of the girls in class was explaining that she considered herself to be a feminist, but felt it necessary to say that that “didn’t mean she thought men were the enemy.” Oh yeah? Well I think you do think men are the enemy. Take that!

October 28 - A hell of a lot of entries

So I snuck in another update without a week going by. This time it had as much to do with me being busy as it did with me being lazy. No, seriously.

Third Grade Journal – October 28, 1991
Today is Oct. 28, 1991¹ These are some of my favorite base-ball players² they are very good ball players Lou Gehrig played for the New York Yankees and Hank Aaron played for the Atlanta Braves.³

¹ – For some reason I included the year in this entry. This might be the only time I did this.
² – I’m not entirely convinced that they were actually my favorites. I had never seen any of them actually play, but I had cards of theirs and read about them a lot. Oh, the days when I liked baseball…
³ – There are also excellent, lifelike drawings of Babe Ruth, Ernie Banks, and Ozzie Smith (as well as another of Lou “Gerihg”). I might share them another time.

Fifth Grade ALP Journal – October 26, 1993
Today we invested in Duracell, Disney and Wal-Mart⁴ in the Stock Market Game. We started Odessey Of the Mind⁵.

⁴ – I guess I was better able to keep business and personal issues separate in those days. Not saying I hate people who shop at Wal-mart or anything, but I probably wouldn’t be buying their stock. If I had the money to buy stock, that is.
⁵ – The importance of Odyssey of the Mind, as mentioned before, is difficult to overstate.

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – October 24, 1994
I had a lot of fun today in the Verity A.L.P.⁶

⁶ – I guess I learned my lesson about not just writing “FUN.” Again, I’m still amazed that I never bothered to write down any of these supposedly fun things.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 20, 1994
Dear Mr. Van Norman,⁷

⁷ – Beside this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Why didn’t you do this entry?” Beneath her comment, I wrote in pen, “Because I didn’t want to.” I covered with pencil, which was not the best plan since the original pen writing is still clearly visible. I was obviously afraid Mrs Robertson would see what I had written, but nothing ever came of it. Lucky! Also, this entry was listed on a later, separate page, which explains (since I know you were curious) why it didn’t appear earlier.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 25, 1994
No, I don’t know why but I just don’t believe in ghosts.⁸

⁸ – Well, as long as you have a good reason, kid, you can believe anything. I’m down with not believing in ghosts.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 26, 1994
Some “spooky words” for Halloween are: (1)Trick or treat⁹ (2)Witch (3)Skull (4)Dracula (5)Frankenstein (6)Mummy (7)Bat (8)Blood (9)Black Cat (10)Spider¹⁰ (11)Snake (12)Scare¹¹¹² (15)Reaper¹³ (13)Monster (14)Dead

⁹ – I’m not sure how “spooky” that is. Also, I don’t want to be a stickler, but “trick or treat” isn’t a word.
¹⁰ – I love these lists because I’m fascinated with the ways they shift. First I start with things related to Halloween, but eventually it turns into things that scare me or are just generally creepy.
¹¹ – And then I start to run out of ideas and just list the most generic “spooky word” there is.
¹² – Again, pretty generic. Brilliant, for sure, and accurate, definitely, but generic.
¹³ – I have a confession: reapers don’t scare me. The grim reaper, maybe, but just a plain old reaper? Not that scary.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 27, 1994
Today I have a computer class called Advanced Youth Education at 3:30, and a Verity Governor’s Cup at 3:50.¹⁴

¹⁴ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “I’d like to know more about them. Let’s set a goal to write at least 5 sentences a day.” Honestly, I don’t know what more this broad wanted me to say about Ashland Youth Education. I don’t know why she wanted me to explain things she already knew about just for the sake of me writing five sentences. If I were Mrs Robertson, I’d be more interested in finding out how I planned on going to AYE at 3:30 and still making it to the Governor’s Cup by 3:50.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 28, 1994
If everyone helps each other and studies with each other, our class will conducive¹⁵ to learning. Promotion and contributing.¹⁶

¹⁵ – Adding a proper verb to this sentence might also be conducive to learning. Note: Mrs Robertson didn’t ever correct any nonsensical or incorrect sentences. Quite a teacher.
¹⁶ – Next to this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good!” It’s hard for me to imagine that she was legitimately pleased, what with me failing to write a full five sentences and all.

October 23 - Halloween words and my twenty-year plan

So today we have a massive update, hopefully enough to make up for the fact that I haven’t posted anything new in over a week. In my defense, I did just finish midterms, which included taking the first test (I know, right? Who the hell has to take tests these days?) in years. I also struggled mightily to finish an essay for yesterday, and now every time I try to type the word “years” I accidentally type “Yeats” instead. Damn poets. I mean I was plenty lazy and all that too, but still.

Third Grade Journal – October 16, 1991
Today is Oct 16 I’m a good drawer aren’t I¹, I drew all of the picture Do you like the pictures one is a picture is a funny gun that has lots of other guns and knifes² the other picture is of some people trying to get away³

¹ – I am a good drawer, aren’t I?
² – This was something I really liked to draw in those days. I was never satisfied with the idea of a gun, I really wanted a gun (which clearly had to be quite large and unwieldy) that had all sorts of secret compartments where other guns, knives (or in this case, knifes), and bombs would come out. Imagine one of those badass cars in a James Bond movie…only a gun instead.
³ – This was a serious competitor for the honor of busiest page in history.

Third Grade Journal – October 23, 1991
Here are Here are cool Halloween words Frankenstein⁴ Dracula wolfman skelaton gillman Toilet Bowl Man (THE Strongest man on earth)!⁵ Wolferene⁶ captain American Batman Hulk Hogan⁷⁸ Andrea the giant Bobby (THE BRAIN) HEENAN Jim (the Anvil) NIEDHEART Knifes and Guns⁹
Houdini

⁴ – Or, as the drawing would remind you: Franky (the man) Stein. Also: I did actually cross out the first two words of this entry, only to write the same two words again. I...I don't know.
⁵ – Toilet Bowl Man is not mentioned at any other point in the journal, and I have no idea why I noted him or why I felt that he was the (I’m sorry, THE) strongest man on Earth. There isn’t even a picture!
⁶ – Ignoring Toilet Bowl Man, this is the point when the list starts to turn away from so-called “Halloween words.” I’m surprised, by the way, that I listed Wolverine and Captain America. I was and always have been a DC Comics guy, none of that silly Marvel Universe stuff. Pfft.
⁷ – And here’s where the list makes another turn away from the idea of Halloween.
⁸ – I was really, really fascinated with Harry Houdini when I was a child. There were two books on him in my elementary school library, and I always had at least one of them checked out at any given time. He is a pretty awesome dude.
⁹ – Yeah, like I said, I really liked knives and guns. This was a good impulse to lose.

Fourth Grade ALP Journal – October 15, 1992
Today I did all my gerful work¹⁰

¹⁰ – I’m sure you remember gerfuls. It wasn’t very interesting stuff, but I do remember that I was a week behind the other kids in ALP because I wanted to present all of my gerful stuff together. Then everyone laughed at me when I started my presentation by showing the “first level” gerful stuff that everyone else had already done. Jerks!

Fifth Grade ALP Journal – October 19, 1993
Today we played the Stock-Market Game. We started Odessey Of The Mind¹¹

¹¹ – Odyssey of the Mind was one of the best times I had as a kid, and I have very fond memories of it. I competed in the music division, and our challenges was to build instruments that we could play from outside a six-foot square. Our team won our region, but then lost at the district competition to the team who had finished second to use in regionals. If we had won we would have gone to Des Moines for the national Odyssey of the Mind (or as we called it, OM) competition. Sad.

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – October 17, 1994
FUN
Today everything was very fun and stimulating.¹²

¹² – The “FUN” that begins this entry was written on its own page. I suspect that my ALP teachers were not particularly impressed with this entry, and suggested (not unlike that meanie Mrs Robertson) that I elaborate. They got their wish (if only in terms of word count).

Sixth Grade Journal – October 17, 1994
A.L.P.¹³

¹³ – You might notice that this actually coincides with the above ALP entry. This is one of the few times when this happens. I assume there was some kind of scandal involved.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 18, 1994
Absent¹⁴

¹⁴ – I never, ever missed class until fourth grade, when near the end of the school year I had a cancelled flight coming back home from attending my cousin’s wedding and missed my first day of class. After that, I would fake being sick and ask my Mom if I could say home all the time. Kind of a slippery slope.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 19, 1994
Some things I would to do in the next 20 years¹⁵ are:
•Graduate college at Boston College or Harvard¹⁶.
•Get a good job such as a doctor¹⁷.
•Get married to ??¹⁸

¹⁵ – When I typed this, I typed “yeats.” Just thought you’d like to know. I also did really use bullet points in this entry. This list is very serious.
¹⁶ – It was a good plan, but it didn’t quite turn out. I did go to Tulane for a while after ruling out Boston College and realizing that I probably couldn’t get into Harvard (and also refusing to be one of those lames who applies to Harvard just so they can receive a rejection letter.
¹⁷ – I’ve got a $600/month job writing and proofreading features for the College of Arts & Sciences at UK, so I’m knocking on the door of that “good job such as a doctor” dream.
¹⁸ – Well on our way, buddy, well on our way. Thank the Lord we've still got five years until the twenty year deadline.

October 14 - Sixth grade hootenanny

So here’s a roundup of recent entries from the sixth grade journal to make up for my growing laziness. Cross your fingers that this doesn’t turn into The Deuce’s Dose 2.0. Don’t worry, I’m not going to subject you to silly movie reviews, I’m really just talking about the lack of updates.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 11, 1994¹
A.L.P.²

¹ – On the top of this page, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Make sure you write ‘absent’ on the dates you are absent.” I don’t remember missing a lot of class in sixth grade, but it might help explain the gap in entries from September 29 to October 11.
² – I wrote that I was at ALP here (you can read, right?), but there is no subsequent entry for this date in the sixth grade ALP journal. Mystery abounds!

Sixth Grade Journal – October 11, 1994³
I would always play with my friends, because I would have a lot of friends if I were happy.⁴

³ – Yes, my little sleuths in training, there are two entries for this date. There are a few possibilities to consider. One is that I tried to write ahead on days I figured I would be in ALP so that I wouldn’t have to take time out to slave over a journal writing “A.L.P.” on the actual day. Another is that I went to ALP that day and made it back early enough to finish my journal entry for that day back at my elementary school. A third possibility is that I just messed up the dates. I’m willing to consider other options, though.
⁴ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Make sure you write the topic for each day.” This is kind of irritating in retrospect given that the entry ends on what is a pretty sad note. I’m glad my teacher had such rigorous priorities.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 12, 1994
First, if you get caught on fire, stop, drop, cover your face, and roll. When you go to bed, close your door so your room doesn’t catch on fire⁵. Stay low so you don’t breathe any smoke. Make a⁶

⁵ – It’s just that easy. Closed door = no room catching on fire. More people should know this.
⁶ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good.” Clearly the fact that I couldn’t finish my last sentence is indicative of a deep, personal interest in the topic at hand.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 13, 1994
Today I have a computer class called Advanced Youth Education at 3:30 p.m.⁷

⁷ – As you might imagine, at the end of this entry Mrs Robertson wrote, “I’d like to read more about it.” I was trying to meet her halfway by referring to AYE as “a computer class,” but clearly she didn’t think that was enough. What a freaking tyrant.

Sixth Grade Journal – October 14, 1994
A bad report card, doing bad on patrol, getting kicked off patrol⁸, having a messy room, fighting someone, going through my mom’s room⁹, not getting in my contacts¹⁰, taking pop¹¹, stealing things¹², or wanting a lot of stuff would make my mom and dad very grouchy.¹³

⁸ – Patrol was apparently more important to me than I remember. Yes, I was one of those goofballs wearing an orange sash who stood on corners crossing students walking to school. It was a thankless job, except for the trip to Washington, DC and everything. Don’t make fun of me.
⁹ – Going through my mom’s room? Did I really go through my mom’s room? Moreover, why did I call it my mom’s room when both of my parents slept there?
¹⁰ – Looking back on those days with contact lenses really irritates me. I got glasses when I was six, switched to contacts when I was ten, then back to glasses when I was a senior in high school. Granted, I never really used my contacts responsibly, like maybe I would leave in a pair of contact lenses for two months (instead of two weeks) and never take them out at night. But still, contacts suck.
¹¹ – I don’t recall taking pop. I used to use the profits from my lucrative pencil-trading business to buy cokes in the faculty lounge, but I remember being allowed one can of coke a day at home. My mom always bought caffeine free Pepsi and even set up a can crushed on the back porch.
¹² – I can admit that I used to have a slight issue with stealing when I was younger. When I was eight or nine I took a small bear figurine from a Hallmark store because my mom wouldn’t buy it for me, and when she found it she made me take it back and apologize to the owner. Clearly that stuck with me.
¹³ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Topic?” Take note of the fact that I ended this entry by saying, “would make my mom and dad very grouchy.” I mean, she could at least pretend to read the damn entry when she’s commenting on it.

October 10 - More fun stuff and Jay Wonn

As usual, you have no idea how sorry I am that I didn’t update yesterday. You’ll be happy to know that I divided my time between reading a few poems, watching Degrassi (the new season started Friday!), eating chili, and playing poker. I am aware that my priorities are out of order.

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – October 10, 1994
Today we did a lot of fun stuff¹
FUN
FUN
FUN²

¹ – Again: clearly so fun that it couldn’t be recorded. Secret fun!
² – Each of these “FUN” declarations was written on the top line of a following page. I don’t know if they were actually a part of this entry, and I’m not sure why I would just write “FUN,” turn the page, write “FUN” again, and so on. The complexity is difficult to grasp.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – September 9, 1991
Today is Sept 9 Today I might go over to Jay Wonn’s³ or He might come over to my house. Boy, that would really fun. I like Jay Wonn because he is really nice and not bosy⁴. But sometimes We get into fights⁵. THE END⁶.

³ – Jay was my best friend until I went to middle school. After that, we pretty much turned into polar opposites. Sad.
⁴ – Not to diss Jay or anything, but I don’t remember liking him for these reasons. I mean I’m sure he was nice, but not “bosy?” I’m not so sure.
⁵ – A complicated relationship, obviously. I remember getting into a fight with him around this time when we were playing Punch-Out (note; I never had Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, only the version with Mr Dream). I finally defeated Piston Honda, who gave us a ridiculous amount of trouble, and I gave him the controller so that he could fight the next opponent. He got destroyed by Don Flamenco because he couldn’t figure out the “trick” to beating him, and insisted that he should get to go again until he won. I obviously took issue with that, and we starting punching each other.
⁶ – This is written in approximately size 400 font.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – September 3, 1996 (continued)
I Picked Up Luan And We Ran Around The House. “On The Count of 3, Cover Your Eyes. One…. Two….. THREE, MidNight⁷!” I Yelled. In A Flash Our Enemies Were On The Ground In Pain. “Attack!” Nate Yelled. As I Hit People With Luan He Still Went, “Hulk Smash⁸!” And It Was Getting Annoying⁹. Soon They Were All Down. “Were’s The Rest?” Hearne Asked. “Flare!” Miller Said. We Went Around The House To See Flare Slaughtering Some Of Those Guys¹⁰. “Cool.” Hearne Said. “Ready To Go?” Hearne Said. Blaze Flew Up Into The Air. We Flew And Saw Another Hut. Kelleman Stepped Out. “Burn It, Flare!” Miller Said¹¹. “Cool!” Hearne Said¹². A Fireball Exploded The Hut As They Jumped Out.

⁷ – Oh, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten about this mess.
⁸ – Naturally. I mean, why wouldn’t he?
⁹ – Ah yes, annoying. I was starting to think that Annoyance wouldn’t have anything annoying in it. Wait, what the hell am I talking about?
¹⁰ – A nice image. Young Guy, you are an artist and a craftsman.
¹¹ – Such a great reaction, and one that also speaks to some clear neurosis I had (ideally) in younger days. I never saw anything like Annoyance when I was a substitute teacher in Lexington, but it’s hard for me to imagine responding positively to a story where a kid reacts to seeing his friend walk outside by instructing a dragon to burn the house down. Awesome.
¹² – And Miller wasn’t the only one excited about it.

October 8 - Doing things, listing jobs, the usual

So I’ve decided to bring us back to a more traditional update. I hope you enjoy these updates. I’ll try to keep things spicy. Hurray, I guess.

Fourth Grade ALP Journal – October 8, 1992
Today I got an A+ on a computer paper¹. We did alot of stuff².

¹ – I don’t even know what a computer paper is.
² – Again, I love the trend where I just state that I did cool things and don’t bother to describe, well, any of things I actually did that were supposedly so cool. Well done.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – September 6, 1994
Jobs serving others: Doctor, dentist³, lawyer⁴, banker⁵ or nurse.
Industrial Jobs: Armco, Kentucky Power, AK Steel or Florida Power⁶.
Trasportation Jobs: Airplane pilot, limo driver or bus driver⁷.

³ – Yeah, that’s right dentists, you don’t get capitalized like Doctors. Take that!
⁴ – Lawyer? Poor, naïve Guy. So sad.
⁵ – This entry is a nightmarish attack on the Oxford comma. It is a brutish assault. Please, look away.
⁶ – With one exception, these were all local industries around my hometown. I bet you can’t guess which one is the exception!
⁷ – So if you drive something, you’re in. On a sad note: it looks like I was just capitalizing only the first entry in each list instead of taking a shot at dentists. So many lost opportunities.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – September 3, 1996 (continued)
We Looked Over The House And Saw About 40 Barbarians Running Towards Our House⁸. “Let’s Go Kick Their Butts!” Hearne Yelled. Flare Hurled A Fireball, Blocking Them From The House. “Shoot It!” One Of Them yelled. Then An Arrow Flew Into Flare’s Stomach⁹. She Flipped Over And We All Started To Fall. “AAAHH!!” Luan Screamed As He Morphed Into Knightbringer¹⁰. “I”ve Got It. SeungLong¹¹ Fingorium Tansem!” I Said. We Screeched To A Stop¹² In MidAir. “Cool.” Miller Said¹³. We Slowly Lowered To The Ground.

⁸ – It clearly wasn’t enough for me to pit my “good” friends against a legion of my “evil” friends, I also had to include scores of random barbarians or psychos. I’m sure you’ve noticed.
⁹ – A pretty good shot, I’d say. Pretty strong reaction time as well. We might have met our match against this group of forty randoms.
¹⁰ – I’m sure you haven’t forgotten this little gem.
¹¹ – This sounds a little Asian, and thus out of place. Korean, I’d say.
¹² – Screeched to a stop? Who ever heard of that?
¹³ – An appropriate reaction, I feel. As I’ve said before, clearly I had really smart, observant friends.

October 7 - ROBOT

So today is officially the day you are going to be introduced to Robot. I discovered an index of images in called “robot” online when looking for pictures to use in designs for CD covers. I fell in love with these drawings made by illustrator Ben Ross. My “drawings” (for lack of a better term) are not nearly as funny or artistic as Ben’s, but as you might imagine, they are a little bit more personal. And yes, I’m referring to him as if I know him even though I’ve never met the guy or anything. As always, I hope you enjoy.

The American 1850’s – September 21, 2006

I’m starting with a very important Robot here. When we read Uncle Tom’s Cabin in this course, I was a bit confused because I didn’t see the connection between the character named Uncle Tom and the racial/racist term. This became one of my positions that I defended throughout the reading of the novel in class, and there was a girl named Emily (yes, I’m using her real name) who was particularly irritated by my defense of this position. In general, I refused to criticize Uncle Tom on a personal level because I thought he was a generally noble and altruistic character.

Fast forward to our last day covering Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and we’re talking about (here’s the spoiler alert in case you don’t know the ending to this 150-year-old novel) how Tom refuses to fight back as he’s being lashed to death at the end of the story, even forgiving those who beat him during the process. Emily chimed in, remarking that it was “useless of him to turn the cheek like that” and that she felt that Uncle Tom was “pathetic.” I turned to Emily and said, “Yeah, that Jesus Christ, how pathetic.” While I was being serious in criticizing her comment, I was also trying to be funny. Moreover, since Uncle Tom is one of the most overt Christ figures in American literature, I figured she knew what she was in for when she started such blatant criticism of him. Nevertheless, Emily then turned back to me and said, “Wow, you’re a real asshole.” I was so happy I almost cried. True story.

As you might imagine, this was one of the greatest moments in my academic career.

American Literature Survey I – September 28 2006

So in my US Lit Survey, which covered some of the same texts included in the American 1850’s course listed above (note: I am smart!), we spent the entire first month reading Hawthorne, and I got tired of it really damn quick. As you will eventually see, the little Robot drawings because an outlet for my passive aggressive tendencies, so instead of telling the teacher how I felt, I made a series of mostly unremarkable “cartoons” insulting Hawthorne and his writing. This one, however, stands out to me for rather clear reasons.

I encourage you to chime in and let me know what you think. Leave comments, e-mail me, call me, and then tell everyone you know.

October 6 - The kitchen sink and logical friends

As previously noted, there are no news entries in my sixth grade journal until October 11. I discovered last night, much to my horror, that there are also no entries in the third grade journal until October 16. You know what that means: a buffet of my ingenious so-called “bonus entries.” Make sure to buckle your seatbelts, kids. Let’s gooooooo.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal - September 6, 1991
Today is Sept 6 Today has been a great day¹. we are going to go to gym and reading time and libriry²

¹ – More good days in the third grade. When I remember the hubbub about the institution of the primary system when I was in third grade, I keep expecting to look back and see that I was upset about having to spend time with a bunch of first and second graders instead of being in third grade with my friends. More on this later, I’m sure.
² – What a day, huh? I don’t remember having time set aside for reading time in elementary school, but as long as it is alongside gym and the “libriry,” I’m still down.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – September 2, 1994
I remember³ when I was young enough to take baths in the kitchen sink⁴.

³ – Here, I chronicle one of the weird “memories” that sort of prompted the larger, faux-philosophical goal of this blog. I don’t know if I actually remember these early memories, if I remember that I used to remember them (follow me here), or if I have just invented memories for myself. I can only assume that other people think about this kind of stuff.
⁴ – Beside this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Do you really remember that long ago? You must have a very good memory!” Yes, she did underline the “really” there. I like how she basically implies that I’m lying and then tries to balance the accusation with a vague compliment. This is a familiar tactic.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – September 3, 1996⁵
Then Brad, Jenni, Tasha, Eileen, Kelleman, And Rucinski Limped Away. “You Stupid Morons, You Suck⁶!” Miller Yelled. We Went Back To Our New House. “They Are So Dumb, We Kick Their Butts All The Time, But They Dont Give Up.” Hearne Said⁷. We Rested For Most Of The Day, Until A Loud Screaming Outside Woke All Of Us Up. “What The Heck Was That⁸?” I Yelled. “Let’s Get Out Of Here, Grab Your Stuff.” Nate Said. We Went Through The Back And Nate Hopped On Flare⁹. “Get On!” Nate Yelled. “Oh Crap!” Miller Said. We Shot Up In The Air.

⁵ – In case you didn’t notice, this is finally a new entry. I told you that was a long one.
⁶ – A well-reasoned argument, I feel.
⁷ – And also observant. I had some smart friends at this time. Ahead of the curve for eighth graders, for sure.
⁸ – Suspense. I build it.
⁹ – Yeah, this is the weird dragon you might remember from before. Prepare for an intense battle…next time!

October 5 - An interview with Bobby

As you read this, know that today I am doing nothing but completing Spanish homework, reading crummy books and novels, and getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist. See, things aren’t going so badly for you. Keep that chin up!

Third Grade Journal – October 5, 1991
Dear Bobby¹
Have you seen the Super? no² if you haven’t you have to see it, because it is really good³. What is your favorite tv show inspector gadget⁴ What is your favorite song no answer What is your favorite video games no answer⁵

¹ – This entry takes the form of a questionnaire. I remember making these questions with someone else (although I don’t remember who) and then asking them to this kid Bobby who was in my class. It’s a very complex arrangement.
² – I have underlined the answers Bobby gave because I left little sections in the journal to write in his responses.
³ – This is a lie.
⁴ – I’m a cool guy, so I recognize how awesome Inspector Gadget is. However, I remember laughing (hopefully later) because I felt that I was already too old to watch that show. Sorry Bobby.
⁵ – I remember Bobby slightly because he was quiet and never seemed to talk to anyone. We were in the same class throughout all of elementary school, but I only have two memories of him: this “interview” and a freak-out he had in sixth grade when the teacher was out of the room. This is a strange gray area because I remember always trying to be nice to him but since I was one of the targets of his freak-out, maybe that wasn’t the case.

Fifth Grade ALP Journal – October 5, 1993
Today I played football⁶, I was center⁷. We played the stock-market game⁸!

⁶ – I don’t remember ever playing football at ALP, if only because there wasn’t really a field to play in. There was one ravine behind the middle school, but it had trees everywhere and wasn’t level. Not ideal.
⁷ – This was very common during my elementary school years. I wasn’t always the biggest kid in class, but I could run the center sneak like no one else ever. Of course, later I learned that the center sneak wasn’t a legitimate, “legal” football play. What a crushing blow.
⁸ – I told you the stock market game was exciting. Don’t worry, this isn’t its last appearance.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
“What The Heck…..” Kelleman Said⁹. I Quickly Bashed Him In The Face With My Staff. He Flew Into The Wall. I Picked Up Another Staff. “C’Mon Son¹⁰!” I Yelled To Brad. He Picked Up A Huge Sword. I Ran At Brad And Blocked His Sword And Racked Him Over The Head. “Crap!” He Said¹¹. I Threw Down My Staffs. Brad Dropped His Sword And Ran. Chris Stayed. He Took Off Seconds Later¹². Looking Back To See If I Was Chasing Him, He Didn’t See Ishbu. “Headbutt Almighty¹³!” Ishbu Spun And Headbutted Kelleman In The Back. “AAAHH!” Kelleman Yelled. He Fell to The Ground.

⁹ – Last time we checked in on Annoyance, I had brought two of my enemies into a so-called “battlezone” and demonstrated the worthiness of my staff. Exciting stuff.
¹⁰ – Referring to people as “son” was one of favorite things to call people at the time. It later backfired in a memorable incident at a Quick Recall meet, but we’re likely to get to that later.
¹¹ – A sensible reaction.
¹² – So much for Chris staying. Sometimes this shit is truly hilarious to me.
¹³ – Seriously, I hate you Ishbu.

October 4 - I just walked on down the alley

So today I’m offering a Halloween story entry from my third grade journal. My guess is that we were encouraged to write a spooky story (or something like that). This was one of my favorite things to do during these formative years, so obviously I leapt at the opportunity (evidenced by the fact that this entry is over three times longer than any other). I had completely forgotten about this little story, so I hope you can enjoy it as much as I did.

Third Grade Journal – October 4, 1991
Oct. 4 1991 It was a dark and stormy night¹ I was walking Home from a casino² I won lot’s of money³ I know what Dracula and all of the other monsters will I was still walking down the alley⁴ when I saw a man bitting a women on the neck I asked him if he had seen a man named Dracula. He said “Oh that’s me” I just walked down the street⁵ when I came to another man with hair all over his body I asked “Did you just exape from hostpital” “Oh yes” He said but I just walked on down the alley when I met a man with a rectagle head⁶ I asked “Do you know the Wolfman” “Oh yes” He said. But I just walked on down the alley when I met a man with gills. I asked “Do you live In the water” “Yes” He said. I just walked on down the alley when I met a man with bandades all over his body⁷. I asked Does your name begin with a M. “yes” he said but I just walked on down the alley⁸.

¹ – I know that I wrote this in 1991, but I’m still pretty sure that I coined this phrase instead of ripping it from A Wrinkle in Time. I never read that book, by the way. Just thought you’d like to know.
² – Nice! But walking home? I mean who would want to live that close to a casino? And what kind of casino lets in an eight-year-old?
³ – Running good, I like it. I don’t like playing against the house, so odds are good that I was playing poker. But that’s now. In those days? It could have been anything.
⁴ – I think that what I was trying to say is that I knew that monsters would be around but I walked through the alley anyways. Clearly my boldness and bravery witnessed in Annoyance has deep, deep roots.
⁵ – Dracula was already “bitting” that other woman, so maybe he was just full or whatever. Even so, I’m clearly not as courageous as I once was.
⁶ – The list of monsters here is not random. These monsters are the five that feature prominently in The Monster Squad, a film that was a major factor in my childhood. If you haven’t seen it, your life is incomplete. How else would you learn that Wolfman’s got nards?
⁷ – This is my way of describing a mummy, just so you know.
⁸ – Suspense, bravery, and determination. That’s what makes a great Halloween tale. Regarding the photos: I'm not sure why I made multiple gravestones for myself or why I only made gravestones with my name. A little morbid, to be sure.

BONUS ENTRY: Fifth Grade ALP Journal – September 21, 1993
Today was fun, I got grades and learned alot of stuff⁹. We are going to play a stock market game¹⁰.

⁹ – But nothing important enough to record in my journal. That’s good to know.
¹⁰ – The stock market game is a critical element to the ALP journal during fifth and sixth grade. The class was divided into teams and given a lump of starting “fantasy” money, which we invested in various companies to see who could make the most profit. Needless to say, the result for my time was sheer domination.

Happy Sunday, everyone. See you again tomorrow.

October 3 - A new song and an unbreakable staff

As I mentioned last time, I found that the steno notebook that includes my fourth grade ALP journal also includes entries from fifth and sixth grade. This will help to keep me from either shortening the entries or including less interesting material (assuming that the material is interesting in the first place). At some point I will introduce you to Robot, my delightfully inferior rip-off of a character created by Ben Ross that is the closest thing to an active journal from the last four years of my life. Anticipation!

Third Grade Journal – October 2, 1991
Today is Oct 2 Today we learned A new song¹ called down by the bay and it goes like this down by the bay were the watermelons grew² END

¹ – Does anyone else remember being taught songs in elementary school? My music class didn’t involve singing, so I’m kind of confused by this.

² – That’s just great songwriting. I mean who doesn’t want to sing about bays and watermelons?

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – October 3, 1994
A.L.P. computer class is very fun when you play games³.

³ – Obviously an intelligent statement. But it’s also telling, because clearly I had very conflicted feelings about ALP, even in sixth grade. By this point I had been going to ALP with the same group for two years, but I guess I only looked at it as an escape from the day-to-day operation at my elementary school. It takes games for me to be excited!

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal - September 1, 1994
Today I have Advanced Youth Education at 3:30⁴.

⁴ – You’ll never guess what Mrs Robertson wrote after this entry. If you guessed, “I’d like to read more about Advanced Youth Education,” then you got it. Wait, you got it? This is rigged.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
Various Weapons Were Laying On The Ground. “I’ll Break That Dumb Stick⁵.” Brad Said. “Whatever.” I Said. I Threw My Staff To Brad. He Bashed It Against The Wall 20 Or 30 Times And Struck It With All The Weapons⁶. “What The⁷ Is This Made Of?” Calvert Said. Then Prepared To Use It As A Weapon⁸. “Now I’ll Show You How Hard It Is!” Brad Said. “No, But I Can Get It Back Without Touched You. Seatamo Bode⁹.” I Said. My Staff Levitated Out Of Brad’s Hand’s And Into Mine¹⁰.

⁵ – Calling my staff a dumb stick? I mean come on, bro. Not cool.
⁶ – Those interested in learning about story pacing: reread this sentence. Just imagine that you’re watching a great, intense movie, and then right before the big fight one guy grabs a staff, hits it against a wall thirty times, and then hits it with an entire room full of weapons (to no avail). Wouldn’t that be exciting?
⁷ – Clearly there are two real possibilities for what happened here. The first is that I got ahead of myself and accidentally added “The.” The second is that I really wanted to drop a four letter word here but decided that my teacher might not be too thrilled with that idea.
⁸ – Sentence fragment! Clearly my interest in using tons of commas didn’t develop until later.
⁹ – Another well-crafted spell chant. This is the one area where JK Rowling may have outdone Annoyance. I will give her that.
¹⁰ – Yes, I decided to include an entire section from Annoyance dedicated to a staff. Clearly this was a mistake.

Obviously, it goes without saying that I am incredibly sorry that I didn't update yesterday. I won't bore you with tales of nausea and dizziness, though, I prefer to bore you with tales of Ashland Youth Education and unbreakable staffs.

October 1 - ALP Revelations!

We’ve made it through the first month! Also, don’t look now, but the ALP journal has finally made its return! Also, I just noticed that this journal only has like twelve entries for the fourth grade year. This would be a huge oops, but apparently I also decided to use this same steno notebook for recording events in the fifth grade. This is good if only because it makes the ALP journal a little thicker and less useless.

Third Grade Journal – October 1, 1991
Today is Oct 1 My faverite things at the fall festival were the Hauted House¹

¹ – So the haunted house was so awesome that it counted as multiple things. I had many things about the fall festival that were my favorite, but each individual thing was the haunted house. It was that cool.

Fourth Grade ALP Journal – October 1, 1992
Today we got to play monkey in the middle². Autonomous³

² – I don’t remember playing games like this in ALP because we didn’t have normal recess very often. I remember playing basketball in the gym, but only when the older kids weren’t there, since they would have bludgeoned us into submission.
³ – This word is written about halfway down the page of this entry. I’m assuming this is the beginning of a trend that still happens today where I write down words whose spelling I don’t really understand. You’ll be happy to know that I spelled it correctly.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 31, 1994
School Words: crayon, marker, colored pencils⁴, pencils, math, science, spelling, social studies⁵, english⁶, protractor, compass, trapper keeper⁷, notebook, glue⁸ & scissors.

⁴ – Not really a word. I’m not trying to be a prick or anything.
⁵ – Yeah, it’s nice that you like social studies, but still: it’s not a word.
⁶ – Apparently my lack of pride in the English language led to this resistance toward capitalization. Good to know that my negative feelings regarding the study of English existed when I was eleven.
⁷ – I did have a badass trapper keeper at this time. It had all of these slide out “tools” that were operated by buttons. One of them was a magnifying glass, which I used to find things when someone dropped something small. I felt really cool, because I would sit around like some awesome dude just waiting for a person to ask for my help. I’m proud of that, for sure.
⁸ – No Oxford comma? Heretic.