February 26 - Clearly Falling Behind

Third Grade Journal – February 17, 1992
Todays player of the day¹ is David Robinson². He is a Center for the San Antonio Spurs. His Number is 50³.

¹ – Sadly, today I don’t have the means to post the amazing drawing of David that accompanies this entry. If you picture the Karl Malone drawing you can get a pretty good idea of what it looks like, though.
² – Did you know that David Robinson is one of four people in NBA history to record a quadruple double?
³ – There’s too much information! I’ll never be able to remember all of that!

Third Grade Journal – February 24, 1992
Today’s player of the day is Magic Johnson. He plays for Lakers but not any more. He has Aids⁴. But Forget about that⁵. He can dunk, layup and hookshot very good⁶. His number is 32.

⁴ – To be clear, I don’t think his HIV ever fully (or has ever fully) developed into AIDS. And when’s it’s written like that, it really just sounds like he has helpers instead of a disease. I’m just saying.
⁵ – Yes, let’s forget about all that. We’re here to talk about basketball!
⁶ – Leaving off passing is rather auspicious, seeing as how he was (and probably still is) better at passing than at any of those other things.

Sixth Grade Journal – February 6, 1995
My opinion on the best invention would probably have to be either people and animals (made by the great, almighty God!)⁷ or probably electricity made very strangely by Benjamin Franklin⁸.

⁷ – How cute and endearing. I mean, people and animals are pretty good. Maybe I was on to something there.
⁸ – Someone doesn’t know the difference between an invention and a discovery.

Sixth Grade Journal – February 20, 1995

1 – Frankfort Trip⁹
2 – COSI Trip¹⁰
3 – 4-H Day Camp
4 – Junior Achievement class¹¹
5 – First Day at Hager
6 – Paramount Trips¹²
7 – Making 5^th and 6^th grade b-ball teams
8 – Being Hager Governor’s Cup Captain¹³
9 – Making Verity Governor’s Cup
10 – Spelling Bees¹⁴

⁹ – This seems to be a list of “favorite memories at Hager” or something like that. Frankfort trips were always special because it seemed awesome to be visiting the state capitol. When you get older and realize that Frankfort is a silly city with like 25,000 people, it seems less awesome.
¹⁰ – COSI is one of the greatest places on Earth. It is full of great examples of how science can be made fun if properly demonstrated. And it’s right across the street from the first Wendy’s.
¹¹ – I have no idea what this is. At all. Clearly not that memorable.
¹² – I loved to going to the Paramount to see shows and plays when I was a kid. There was something I always used to do, however, that seems hilarious to me in retrospect but was probably very annoying at the time. When the crowd would clap, after ten or so seconds I would start shushing really loudly as if I thought that there had been enough congratulation. On with the show!
¹³ – That has a nice ring to it. Of course, this was after the retirement of Amar Shah, who was one of the most dominant forces in Ashland Governor’s Cup history.
¹⁴ – I won the third grade spelling bee by spelling “khaki” and “poisonous” in the final round. You’ll note that I did not have fond memories of the Geography Bee, in which I was screwed (in the same year) by a question that claimed Africa was a larger continent that Asia. What a load of garbage.

February 5 - Another Epic Return of Annoyance

Third Grade Journal – February 5, 1992
What you should do to take care of your teeth.¹
1 Brush very good.²
2 Floss.
3. Swish after you brush.
4 Don’t eat to much sweets.
5 See your dentist every month.³
6 Brush every day.
7 Keep your teeth nice and pretty clean white⁴
Like him. Not like him.⁵

¹ – Looking back at these entries I have to admit that I’m a bit confused by the priorities of elementary school education. Couldn’t my teachers have been showing me how to construct a proper sentence instead of trying to tell me how to take care of my teeth?
² – Case in point.
³ – I’m not one of those people who dislikes or is afraid of the dentist, but this seems a little excessive. Probably expensive, too.
⁴ – Easily the best entry of the best here. Want to take care of your teeth? Keep them nice and pretty clean white. Done!
⁵ – As you can see from these lifelike illustrations, dental care is serious business.

Sixth Grade Journal – February 2, 1995
Today I have a basketball game: Hager Wildcats (us)⁶ Vs. Oakview Comets (them) at the Hager Elementary School gym at 4:15.⁷ Hager Wildcats record 9-4, Oakview Comets record 9-4.⁸

⁶ – Just in case you were confused.
⁷ – I’m developing a theory that the reason I kept including all of this unnecessary (yet accurate) information about these events is because I didn’t want to get in trouble for creating entries that were too short. If Mrs Robertson wants quantity over quality, that’s what she’s going to get!
⁸ – Pretty evenly matched, I say. The Comets were worthy foes in those days. At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Sounds like it should have been a close game? Who won?” Ignoring her inexplicable first question mark, I wrote, “We did” after her comment. You want a back and forth? A little dialogue? You got it.

Sixth Grade Journal – February 3, 1995
My favorite music group would have to be Green Day, a rock n roll group.⁹ My favorite song is a tie between Basketcase, by Green Day, and When I Come Around, also by Green Day.¹⁰

⁹ – I’m sure I was the target demographic. I can only laugh when I think of what Green Day’s reaction would be if they knew that they were the favorite band of a ten-year-old.
¹⁰ – I like to think that my musical experience has expanded a bit since then. At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “I haven’t heard of Green Day. (I guess that means I’m getting old.)” Hilarious, Mrs Robertson! Quit trying to bring down kids with tales of your midlife crisis.

Eighth Grade Journal – September 3, 1996
Then New Weapons Appeared, Stuff Like Knives, Swords, CrossBows, Bows & Arrows, And Another SpellBook.¹¹ “Cool.” Hearne Said. Everyone Got One Of Each And I Grabbed The Spellbook. “Let’s Go Kick Their Butts!” Nate Yelled. “That Would Not Be Wise,” Flare Said. “The Old Looking Guy Is Phisean, And His Spells OverPower Yours Palin. If You Challenge, We Will Have To Devise A Plan.” “Call Me Guy, Not Palin¹² You Moronic Dragon¹³.” I Said. Then We Went Inside To Make A Plan. “Guy, You Will Have To Be The Leader¹⁴, Because You Are The Only Within Reasonable Range Of Power¹⁵, And I Will Help You. Nate, Josh, Josh¹⁶, & Ishbu Fight The Rest.” Blaze Said. “What About Me?” Luan Asked. “You Will Be KnightBringer,” Blaze Said, “And Guy Will Fight With You¹⁷.” We Prepared For The Fight. We Got On Flare And Flew To The Hut, They Were Waiting.¹⁸

¹¹ – I’m sure you remember where we last left off, but incase you don’t, our enemies had transformed and teleported away. Exciting!
¹² – That’s a sensible suggestion. I was ahead of my time in not wanting to be called “Palin.”
¹³ – How many people do you know who can say that they were face-to-face with a dragon and called the dragon moronic? That’s what I thought.
¹⁴ – Imagine that!
¹⁵ – Maybe we should change the name of this blog from Ship of Theseus to Ship of Modesty.
¹⁶ – Not a typo. Two Joshes. But I’m sure you remember from the extensive notes you’ve been keeping on this seminal text.
¹⁷ – How could anyone forget?
¹⁸ – I can’t image the anticipation you’re feeling. Your patience will be rewarded. Well, it will be responded to. I can’t promise that the response will be what anyone would call a “reward.”

February 4, 2010 - Never Karl Malone

Third Grade Journal – January 28, 1992

Today’s player of the day is Horris Grant¹. He can’t make inside shots very well². He plays for the Bulls and his number is fifty-four³.

¹ – Not to be confused with Horace Grant. As a side note, look at the vertical leap I gave to the guys in today's entry. It looks like these guys are playing on a fifteen-foot rim, and still dunking with relative ease (as you can tell from the delighted look on Horris's face).

² – That’s a flattering introduction. Why is he the player of the day if he can’t make a shot from five feet away?

³ – And thus ends all the information I knew about Horace Grant. You might figure out that this is the same amount of information you might learn (or infer) from looking at a basketball card of him. As for the inside shots thing…I guess I figured he couldn’t do it since he had to wear glasses and everything.

Third Grade Journal - January 30, 1992

Today’s player of the day is Dominqe Wilkins⁴ But he broke his leg, when he was playing the Milwake Bucks⁵. He very good dunker⁶. He he is good at shots. He plays for the Atlanta Hawks. He number is tw⁷

⁴ – Again, not to be confused with Dominique Wilkins.

⁵ – I was more about collecting basketball cards than actually watching NBA games at this time, so I’m actually kind of curious to figure out how I knew about that. Wikipedia doesn’t mention anything about it, but it does note that he ruptured his Achilles tendon against the 76ers. And easy mistake to make, I guess.

⁶ – Yes he is. He most certainly is.

⁷ – Unlike Horace Grant, I actually had some stuff to say about ‘Nique. As you might imagine, he was featured heavily in the “Greatest Dunker”-type videos that I watched incessantly as a child.

Third Grade Journal – February 3, 1992

Todays player of the day is Karl Malone⁸. Karl Malone plays for Utah Jazz. He slam dunks good and he is on the all star east team⁹ but when he dunks he bites¹⁰. Another good player is on his team his name is John Stockton. He was third place in the long shot championship¹¹ and He is also on the West all stars.

⁸ – Much like Patrick Ewing: No, never Karl Malone.

⁹ – Are you sure there, little buddy? Geography was not a priority in school, I guess.

¹⁰ – Your guess is as good as mine.

¹¹ – This is what insiders like young Guy call it. You rubes might know it as the three-point shootout. I was skeptical of this claim, but Wikipedia confirms it. Also: it makes me sad that Tim Legler won the long shot championship in 1996.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 25, 1995

I would like to visit Norway because I would enjoy seeing the rivers, mountains, fjords, and shields¹². I think it would be beautiful to see Norway’s many natural features.¹³

¹² – Apparently a shield is a flat, rocky area typically found in the center of a continent. Oh stop pretending like you already knew. Just stop it.

¹³ – A rather ho-hum entry, I think. At the end, Mrs Robertson wrote, “It sounds like a beautiful country!” This is funny because I was really just repeating what we had learned about it in geography class (when I could have been learning that the Utah Jazz were in the Western Conference).

Sixth Grade Journal – January 26, 1995

Today I have a basketball game vs. Hatcher at the Hager gymnasium at 5:15 p.m.¹⁴

¹⁴ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “How did you do?” We played Hatcher, Mrs Robertson. No offense to any Hatcher Elementary alums that might read this, but we destroyed them every time. At least Crabbe and Poage could put up a fight.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 31, 1995

My favorite subject in school is definetely, positevely¹⁵, without a doubt has got to¹⁶ math in Mrs. Roberson’s¹⁷ class, I am good at it.¹⁸

¹⁵ – You can bet that the subject isn’t going to be spelling. Just a hunch.

¹⁶ – Or grammar, as if they even teach that in elementary school.

¹⁷ – Whoa whoa, Mrs Roberson? No “t” in her name? What the fudge is going on here? I’m beginning to think that my memory is mostly a lie.

¹⁸ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson (yes, I’m still calling her that, dammit) wrote, “Do you like ‘Challenge Group?’” Continuing with the theme of my memory being a lie, I can firmly say that I don’t remember “Challenge Group” at all. All I remember from sixth grade math is doing multiplication busy work, racing other kids in the class to see who could finish the work first. We would bet a quarter so that when I won I could buy more NBA pencils from the dispenser in the office. Then again, as we are steadily learning, I could just be making stuff up or remembering stuff I made up.