Wild, but decidedly not wonderful

I know that it probably pains you to read this,¹ but I think it is of vital importance than we finish the Race to Determine the Worst Drivers in America. I have been dreading this update – if only because thinking about all this horrific driving puts me in a downright dark and stormy mood – but I think it’s high time that we combine our powers and end this little endeavor before I lose what remains of my (pretty much already nonexistent) fanbase.

So, no more pomp, no more circumstance. The second worst state to drive in is…

WEST VIRGINIA

I know that I said that ranking Ohio at second was hard, but this decision really really put the heat on me. I drove far more than my fair share of miles in West Virginia this summer, and each time I passed through there was always one question at the forefront of my mind.

How can this not be the worst state to drive? I mean how?

I should preface this by saying that I give West Virginia drivers a lot of credit: the driving conditions in that state are pretty terrible, and the fact that the vast majority of people can make it through that state without dying horrifically is a testament to their baseline driving ability. West Virginia roads are very hilly, very winding,² and there are an inordinate number of 18-wheelers on the road.³ That said, there are a number of things about driving through West Virginia that try my patience, my powers of understanding, my belief in right and wrong, and my very soul.

#1 – West Virginia drivers do not believe in the existence of what we would call the left lane.

Again, I would like to paint a picture for you to illustrate this point. Imagine yourself driving through West Virginia in a place where there is virtually no traffic.⁴ You are cruising in the middle lane of a three-lane highway, and you see a car – also in the middle lane – approaching behind you. The driver gains on you and gains on you until he needs to pass.

At this point, I offer ten-to-one odds that the other driver passes you in the right lane.

This might seem like a minor annoyance, but for someone like me – that is, a person who drives the right way on a highway⁵ – this is unbelievably frustrating, nerve-racking, and dangerous. Cars in the middle lane in West Virginia should be accustomed to be passed on both sides at the same time, which creates what I would like to call “really sucky feelings of being trapped between two psychopaths.” This is noticeably different than what happens in Ohio, however: whereas Ohio drivers don’t believe that the left lane should be used only for passing, West Virginia drivers just don’t believe that there is a left lane. At all.

#2 – West Virginia drivers lurk behind slow cars for no damn reason.

What do I mean by this? I mean that drivers will sit in the right lane behind slow cars and then inexplicably cut over into the left lane – preferably right in front of me⁶ – and then drive at erratic speeds. Just imagine⁷ that you’re coming up on a line of cars in the right lane, all of which seem to be cruising instead of driving in the right lane and waiting to pass cars that are further ahead. Then, when you get a few car lengths away, a crappy minivan that you’ve observed sitting in the right lane for the last two miles⁸ shoots in front of you – which you never expected since said minivan seemed to be content going twenty under the limit in the right lane – and you are forced to sit behind it for an excruciatingly long period of time.⁹

But then once it reaches the front of the cars it is (hopefully) passing, one of two things will happen. The first, which is very annoying, is that the minivan will move back into the right lane and resume its previous speed. This is more so aggravating for other drivers, since you will always witness the cars the minivan just passed switch into the left lane to pass the minivan.¹⁰ Poor bastards.

The second option (which I will never, ever understand) involves the minivan reaching the front of the line of cars in the right lane, pausing for a moment, and then exploding forward at a million miles per hour as if the driver just activated the car’s warp drive. The driver of this car was apparently always intending on driving very fast, but was just sitting behind slow cars to lull the entire universe into a false sense of security. Just thinking about it makes me even more pissed off than I already am.

As someone who tries to drive with a bit of order and decency by using cruise control, this could scarcely be more frustrating. I mean, we’re living in a society here. If I’m going faster than you on the highway, I should be able to pass you. I don’t swoop over in front of faster cars and then change speeds so that they can never pass me. Seriously, I never do that.¹¹

#3 – West Virginia drivers are hill-tards, plain and simple.

“Hill-tard” is a term I use¹² for drivers who refuse to drive at one rate on the highway – which you can probably tell is a pet peeve of mine – and express this hatred of cruise control by driving at a cripplingly slow pace around curves and up hills while flying down hills and along straight stretches at a rate near the speed of sound. The hill-tard is a blight on the soul of American highways.

Now, I realize that I have the benefit of driving a car with good handling capabilities: if I choose to drive seventy¹³ through the WV Turnpike, I can maintain that speed around corners without any issue. I understand that trucks and vans can’t always go the same speed when navigating some of West Virginia’s neckbreaking turns, but there is no excuse for going ninety downhill and braking to forty when going through a relatively standard curve.

All I really want on the highway is to pass cars that are going slower than me and to get out of the way of cars that are going faster than me. When surrounded by legions of hill-tards, this is impossible. The last time I drove through West Virginia, I passed a blue Ford Explorer only to be passed by it again – all the while maintaining the exact same speed – twelve times. This is gross and unacceptable.

Of course, the hill-tards in West Virginia aren’t even close to the ones you can find in the number one worst state to drive in, but we’ll have to save that for another day.

¹ – I really had to resist the urge to say “hear this.” This sort of medium-specific writing is very taxing.

² – I have to admit: I feel that this should be “windy,” but I didn’t want to confuse you. Using a gerund as an adjective always feels a little yucky to me.

³ – Which, if I’m being honest, is enough to justify West Virginia’s ranking. Few things suck more than being stuck in a 65 mph zone doing 35 behind a train of tractor trailers. Also, one of my friends hates to drive in West Virginia because he says that all of the curves on the turnpike are banked the wrong way. I’ve never found this to be the case, but I figure it’s worth mentioning.

⁴ – This might sound familiar…

⁵ – Look, you have to allow for more than a little ego here.

⁶ – That is, preferable to them. In my dream world they would trip an invisible mine and get blown into the sky.

⁷ – I know I keep going to the “picture yourself” or “imagine” barrel, but I can’t really think of another way to put you in the moment here. I guess I have limited storytelling abilities.

⁸ – Yes, I pay attention to stuff like this. In fact, I bet that you that I could pull over at any given point sketch the most recent pattern of cars visible on the highway. By now it’s clear that I think way too much about driving, right?

⁹ – Even if you are on a three-lane road, because the right lane will undoubtedly be clogged with either brutally slow trucks or insanely fast 1988 Berettas (and yes, you’ll see cars in West Virginia that you didn’t realize were still in existence). How fun!

¹⁰ – Which should insult your understanding of human decency. There is nothing worse than passing a bunch of cars, getting in front of them, and then slowing down. Not cancer, not war, not anything.

¹¹ – There is no punchline here. I never do it and no one should. What’s wrong with picking a speed and going that speed?

¹² – See? I told you I think about this too much. My sanity is probably a little suspect at this point.

¹³ – Which I would obviously never do. Speed limits are serious business, kids.

It's not even Christmas!!!!!

Eighth Grade Journal – December 13, 1996

FREE WRITE

(Complaining)

This Is Not A Personal Note To Any One Teacher, Because I Write In My Journal To Calm Myself Down¹ And Not Go Off Like A Bomb.² I Am Never The Only Person Talking, But Always The Only Person Called Down For It.³ Everyone (Including Students) Find It Fun To Pick On Me.⁴ I Have Been Called Down This Year More Times Than All Other Years Combined⁵…And It’s NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS!!!!! I Have Not Been That Bad Of A Student.

Special Bonus!!!⁶ – Nosferatu

NOSFERATU Critique

Nosferatu, a movie with many similarities to Bram Stoker’s Dracula,⁷ is a tale of love, heartache, and great danger. This silent horror film centers around a pair of newlyweds, who are broken up when the husband must go into the “Land of Demons” so that he may sell a house, conveniently right across the street from his, to the vampire Nosferatu.⁸ Of course, the husband is unsuspecting and has no idea of the grave danger he is about to encounter.

The acting in Nosferatu could from some aspects be called less than spectacular. A viewer cannot expect much from one playing the part of a vampire, especially a vampire with buck-teeth like Nosferatu⁹, to have much depth. Nosferatu, however, displayed the best skills for acting his character, and following his motivation, however simple it was. The bride was strictly for emotional complexity, and a target for the vampire.¹⁰ Her part was silly and overplayed, but what can you expect, it’s not like they can talk or anything.¹¹

For the pivotal role the film played in the evolution of horror, this film has left a lasting impression on me.¹² Though primitive compared to film techniques and technology today, Nosferatu is exciting and very enjoyable. The story draws the viewer in, and the acting makes the film a classic.

Guy’s Film Rating:¹³ *** ½ out of 5

¹ – Sure buddy…that’s why you do it. It’s not because you are a young, budding master of all passive-aggressive techniques.

² – I am consistently amazed by the number of things I wrote in these journals that would get me in unbelievably amounts of trouble if written today.

³ – Seriously bro, getting “called down?” What is this, a bad parody of the 1950’s? Ugh.

⁴ – This kind of annoying self-pity really gets in the way of your passive-aggressive training. Focus, buddy!

⁵ – Obviously my memory is not that reliable, but this seems pretty much true to me. I never got in trouble at all until I was in the fifth grade, and even then it was nothing compared to the hell my teachers put me through in middle school. They were not my biggest fans.

⁶ – Perhaps I should explain. Since I am practically out of journal entries (save for the “Annoyance” story you’ve been enjoying and the “Complaining” sections from eighth grade), I thought it would be worthwhile to share the movie reviews I wrote for the cinema class I took in high school. If you’re interested in movies or amused by my general silliness, I think you’re in for a treat.

⁷ – Just a coincidence, I’m sure. Also, I know you dig the combination italics and underline. Groundbreaking.

⁸ – I don’t want to be too hard on the writing of a high school kid, but I’ll give a dollar to the first person who can name all of the grotesque grammar errors in this sentence. I think you’re going to be counting for a while.

⁹ – I really am trying to follow the logic here. You can’t expect much from someone playing a vampire, but you definitely can’t expect much if the vampire has buck teeth? Yeah kid…that makes tons of sense.

¹⁰ – Way to be a sympathetic, understanding, critical viewer. This is the kind of mindset that movie studios try to cater to in this day and age.

¹¹ – Yeah, those silent movies always have characters that are silly and overplayed. That’s practically the defining characteristic of the genre. Silent film = Silly film.

¹² – I’ll give you a dollar if you can convincingly tell me that this sentence makes sense to you. You watch a film, and your innate understanding of where that film fits in cinematic history is what leaves a lasting impression on you? I have no words.

¹³ – If you want my advice (and I know you didn’t ask for it), I’d pay particular attention to the ratings I give to these films. There’s real bang for your buck there.