August 2, 2010

August 2, 2010 - Lists are fun!

Hello again friends. I have prepared a list, similar to the one I posted last week, listing my personal history of favorite authors as a way of charting how my tastes have changed over the years.


First, because I know you are very concerned (after all, the fact that I was going to the Yo La Tengo concert was the motivating factor for starting these lists), I had an awesome time at the show in Newport. They were spectacular, and the Southgate House is a truly badass venue for a concert.


Here for your viewing (and listening) pleasure is an earlier performance of Yo La Tengo covering “Count Me In” (originally performed by Gary Lewis & the Playboys). The way they played it at the show in Newport was a little bit different (and the setting didn’t really look anything like this), but I’ve listened to this track at least fifty times since I got back from the show. It’s awesome.



So, as a special continuation of the thrilling, award-winning (I promise) series on how my tastes have changed over the years, I present this awfully interesting list of my favorite writers over the years. Please enjoy, please share your thoughts, and please feel compelled to think about these questions for yourself and offer similar lists.



Favorite writers

1992-1995: Gary Paulsen

If you are a follower of this blog (and since you’re reading this I assume that you are. Isn’t logic fun?) you are probably aware of my early love for Gary Paulsen’s ability to capture the mind of a growing young man. On a related note, I am terrified of going back to read Paulsen’s books because I am certain that I will find them utterly irredeemable. Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough.


1994-1995: RL Stine

Yes, I was a silly young man, and to make matters worse, I was probably on the tail end of the age range for these books when I actually read them. I do specifically remember reading Stine’s “adult novel” Superstitious, which was filled with unnecessarily graphic sex scenes. I read sections to my friends while we were on break from standardized testing. I was awesome.


1995-1997: Ray Bradbury

Bradbury was the first serious author I really read, and he’s a big reason why I am still so interested in literature today. The evolution from someone like RL Stine to an author with the capability of Bradbury was an invaluable step in my ability to appreciate literature and what it can do. Even now I still think that Bradbury had one of the greatest imaginations in the history of American literature.


1997-1999: Stephen King

I was once a very impressionable young man, and I took to reading Stephen King because my Mom has one of the largest collections (not officially, of course) of Stephen King writing and related memorabilia. Some might consider King a step back from Bradbury (and I could be one of those people), but if you have read Four Seasons, I think you know that Stephen King is often unfairly maligned.


1999-2001: Kurt Vonnegut

The reality is that this list could easily stop at this point, because I couldn’t make a convincing argument that Kurt Vonnegut ever stopped being my favorite author. His range and wit are matched by very few authors I’ve ever encountered, and I think it is sad that he is not considered in the pantheon of truly great American authors alongside the likes of Twain and Faulkner.


2001-2003: Douglas Adams

I contend that no college-aged person (except for annoying douches, and none of them really count as people anyway) can read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and not be completely blown away. It’s easy to get lost in the amazing humor of Adams’s writing and overlook how skilled he is at creating truly remarkable characters. It is such a unique and engaging work, I can’t recommend it highly enough.


2003-2005: Leo Tolstoy

Much like The Beach Boys in my previous list, it’s possible that Tolstoy was never really my favorite writer. I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t acknowledge how much I changed as a result of reading his work, namely The Death of Ivan Ilych. I still haven’t gotten around to the vast majority of his longer works, but I don’t really mind because his shorter works are simply great.


2005-2008: John Updike

Of all the authors I’ve ever read, Updike is the hardest to describe. His short work is so thoughtful, and his early novels show an incredible maturity that you can’t even begin to understand unless you read The Poorhouse Fair. For all his brilliance, however, Updike is not as easy to label or explain as other writers I adore like Vonnegut or Tolstoy. All I can say is that Updike is a real wizard.


2008-present: JD Salinger

My feelings for Salinger have been reinforced by the inane and inexplicable backlash against The Catcher in the Rye that took place as a result of Salinger’s passing. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that compares to Nine Stories, and there is simply no other author whose body of work is so concise and yet so moving and impressive. If you have a problem with Salinger, you can come to me and we can sort it out.

July 30, 2010

July 30, 2010 - A history of music

Tomorrow night, I have tickets to go see Yo La Tengo in concert in Newport, Kentucky. This will mark the second occasion that I have gotten to see a band that has been my “favorite” at some point in my life. As a side note, assuming that everything goes as planned, this will bring my rate of successfully attending a concert by one of these select groups to a disappointing 28.57% (due to a missed show in 2004, no-shows or cancellations by lames in 2006, 2007, and 2008, and a soul-crushing sellout in 2007).


Anyhow, this promising development gave me the idea of attempting to chart the changes in my favorite musical groups over the years, which then (of course) prompted me to think about developing similar lists for favorite authors, films, etc. I can’t think of many other similarly awesome lists to do at present, but I hope you will understand learning about how my tastes have changes and discovering awesome and potentially embarrassing realities (such as the second entry under “Favorite musical groups,” which, by reading this, you agree to never mention to anyone in public or private without my expressed written consent). So, please enjoy!



Favorite musical groups

1990-1994: Michael Jackson

I’m confident that you recognize, as I do, that this doesn’t really need much explanation. The regrettable part of this period was that the first MJ single I purchased (yes, I was one of the idiots buying singles) was “Black or White.” Nevertheless, without this crucial first step everything – and I mean everything – would have been very different.


1994-1995: C+C Music Factory

The explanation for C+C Music Factory is twofold. First, the music I owned was largely limited to hand-me-downs I got from my older sister, so this isn’t so much a reflection of my taste as an indication of what I had to work with in simpler times. Second, I had a ping pong table in my basement, and nothing makes for a better soundtrack during serious table tennis competition than “Gonna Make You Sweat.”


1995-1997: Jimi Hendrix

My taste for Hendrix has changed a lot over the years – I’m one of the only people you’ll find who likes Axis: Bold as Love more than Are You Experienced – but few things can surpass popping in Hendrix for the first time and hearing the first riffs of “Purple Haze.”


1997-1999: ZZ Top

Best memory of ZZ Top? Driving down the highway with the windows down, wearing sunglasses (note: if you know me at all, you know that I never wear sunglasses), listening to “La Grange” with my Dad. Awesome. Only later did I realize that all ZZ Top lyrics were full of sexual references that can’t be called innuendo by any stretch of the imagination. Oh, the bliss of youth.


1999-2002: Weezer

One day I went to a concert at my high school, and one of my classmates played a cover of “No One Else.” I asked him about it, and he told me to buy their blue album. I was totally hooked. I’ve since come to have a more begrudging relationship with Weezer, but I still think the blue album is pretty good.


2002-2003: Foo Fighters

This is probably my only delusional entry on this list, since I not only purchased albums like One by One but also convinced myself that they were very good. This is not to say that Foo Fighters are bad, but I’m certainly glad that this period came to an end.


2003-2005: The Roots

Enter Hendrik (note: not Hendrix). It took me a while to accept his sometimes overwhelming willingness to share new music with me, but the fact that I became a hip hop fan is owed largely to my exposure to The Roots. Here’s a free tip: start your friends off with “Clones” off of Illadelphia Halflife. It worked on me.


2005-2007: The Beach Boys

The truth is The Beach Boys were probably never my favorite band, but I have always felt that they were remarkably underappreciated as musicians. Even to this day my family complains when I play Pet Sounds (I mean honestly, how the hell can anyone complain about Pet Sounds?) instead of Surfin’ USA or All Summer Long. Appreciate The Beach Boys, dammit. That’s an order.


2007-2009: Yo La Tengo

Yo La Tengo really blew me away, and it was all thanks to Hendrik, who shared “Return to Hot Chicken” (from I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One) with me when I was in the midst of making an album of instrumentals for my sister. If I made a list of my favorite 500 songs (hey, now there’s an idea!), Yo La Tengo would have the most songs on it by a pretty sizeable margin.


2009-present: Pixies

In a strange reversal of fortune, I was lucky enough to see the Pixies (yes, I can’t write their name without a “the” in front, it sounds too stupid) before they really became my “favorite” band. First it was just listening to certain songs (“Gigantic” or “Where Is My Mind” or “Debaser”), then it was listening to albums, and now I even buy collections of b-sides (which, again, you might know to be something that I don’t really do). And best of all? I’ve seen them live.



Special Bonus! Favorite Jackson 5 songs

2000-2004: “ABC”

In the name of full disclosure, I should say that the 2000 starting date (as with the 1990 starting date for the previous list) is relatively arbitrary because it’s hard to pick a true starting point for such things. In this case, I can’t honestly say that I really “listened to” The Jackson 5 before the year 2000. As for the song…well…is there anyone whose initial favorite Jackson 5 song was anything other than “ABC?” I didn’t think so.


2004-2005: “The Love You Save”

This entry is undoubtedly the weakest of the list, and I almost think that I chose this as my favorite song during this period because it was relatively unknown and unpopular (yeah, I was that guy). This song was highly important, however, because it was in heavy rotation during the days when I rode my bike to school singing awesome Motown tracks. I like to think that I was a minor celebrity during that time.


2005-2006: “I Want You Back”

Is there a better film montage song? Well, ignoring “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates, I think not. The list of pop songs that are even one-tenth as good as this one is a short one. If you don’t get excited when the keyboard kicks off this gem, then I contend that you are some sort of humanoid alien or a sophisticated cyborg. If you are either of those things, please inform me before the revolution begins.


2006-2008: “I Wanna Be Where You Are”

The fact that I didn’t love this song before 2006 is evidence of one of my old album-listening shortfalls. This is the fifteenth track on The Ultimate Collection, so I never gave it the attention it deserved, instead cycling back-and-forth between the first ten songs. If you’ve ever heard this song, you know that mine was a terrible mistake. Also, there seems to be some dispute about whether or not this song is just Michael (that is, with the rest of the 5). If you listen to the link above - hopefully ignoring the typo in the video title - I think you'll see that it's no solo job.


2008-present: “It’s Great to Be Here”

The truth? The only reason I know about this song is because it is sampled during Notorious BIG’s verse on the remix of “It’s All About the Benjamins.” Finding this song was a huge revelation to me, and if I owe Puff Daddy my gratitude for anything, it is for this. Really, all I can say about this song is that it is really, really good. Honestly, has there ever been a better popular music vocalist than young Michael Jackson?

July 29, 2010

July 29, 2010 - I'll fight him for three

By way of a short introduction to this update, I just want to say that I really don’t have a good idea for what I should do with this blog moving forward. Perhaps I did a poor job pacing myself and should have stuck to only one journal entry per update, but the reality is that all I have left to share with you (other than the passive-aggressive judgments of my robot cartoons) is the contents of my eight grade journal. I really wanted to update before July because I didn’t want to go through a whole month without producing anything, but I’m also not sure where to go from here. I do hope that you enjoy whatever I decide to do, however, and I hope you continue to visit and consider sharing with other people who like cool and weird stuff. I mean honestly, you know that this should really be a web sensation by now. With your help, we can do it. Huzzah!



Eight Grade Journal – September 9, 1996 (continued)

I Picked Up A Sword And Fought A Knight In My Spell1. “Prepare to Die!” The Knight Yelled. He Swiped At Me And I Backed Away. Soon He Had Me Cornered. He Hoisted His Word High Above His Head2. I Took The Chance And Pushed The Sword Deep Into His Chest3. I Pulled It Out and The Knight Vanished. “Cool. I Kicked His Butt.” I Said. Then One Of Those Little Thief Guys Leaped At Me And Stabbed Me In The Leg With His Dagger4. I Sliced Of His Arm And He Fell Down5. I Then Rammed My Sword Into His Stomach. I Limped To Get My Staff As He Disappeared. Then I Realized That The Next Guy Would Be That Strong Dude6. “Oh Crap!!” I Yelled And Tried To Speed Up. I Fell Down7 and Saw Him Appear Between Me And My Staff. He Raised His Arms. I Rolled As He Smashed The Floor With His Punch. I Ran Through The House Trying To Find Luan. “Luan!! Come Here Now8!!” I Screamed. “What Is It Guy9?” Luan Asked. Then He Morphed Into Knightbringer. I Picked Him Up And Went Looking For The Guy.


1When we last left off, I had done my friends a favor by using by wizardly powers to conjure up foes to fight and possibly maim them. Inexplicably, however, I decide in this installment to combat said foes myself, which strikes as an uncharacteristic and terrible idea.

2That doesn’t seem like a great strategy…

3And that’s precisely why. In his defense, however, the only combat tactic I had shown until this point consisted of running away (but obviously not in a terrified or scared manner), so he was probably going by the scouting report. Clearly this is the time when I take over at the dominant offensive force we all know me to be.

4Remember, this is what those beasts were supposed to look like, so it’s worse than it might seem.

5That is, I Sliced Off His Arm… I readily slice both arms and the English language.

6Not That Strong Dude! Yeah…sometimes the creative juices just aren’t flowing.

7What the hell is this, Friday the 13th? This isn’t a horror movie, there will be no falling down. It’s beyond cliché at this point.

8Yeah, come here so that you can turn into a mace that I can use to smash dudes in the face! You know, the usual!

9Honestly, he should probably be used to this by now.

June 11, 2010

June 11, 2010 - An important date

When I was in fifth grade, I was a second-string forward on my school’s basketball team. While I enjoyed going to practice because it meant competing in scrimmage games (and therefore actually playing), it was hard for me to get excited for actual games since I was behind the coach’s son in the rotation and therefore saw little time on the floor.


As I prepared to go to ALP on the day of one of my school’s basketball games, my Dad encouraged to psych myself up by telling people on the opposing team that we were going to beat them. I didn’t have the heart to tell my Dad that I didn’t know anyone on Oakview’s basketball team, so instead I decided that I would go up to some of the ALP kids from Oakview and tell them we were going to win that night.


In class I took a seat next to a kid who I knew was from Oakview – that was about all I knew about him – and after one of our lessons was over I pumped myself up and turned towards him.


“We’re going to kick your butt tonight,” I said anxiously.


“Uh…okay?” he responded, shrugging his shoulders and never really taking his eyes off his notebook.


I know this seems like an utterly forgettable encounter with random classmate, but in this case it happens to be my memory of how I first met Josh Hearne. At the very least, it can be called an auspicious start to a friendship that has now been an integral part of who I am for well over half of my life.


Some people come into your life and change you because they are different from you and can share their experiences with you. They introduce you to new things and educate you based on the things they already know. Josh is not one of those people.


Josh affects those around him simply by being who he is. His personality and demeanor have always made me try to improve myself, and not because he tries to be cool or because he encourages anyone to impress him. Josh just seems to be doing things right. You don’t benefit from knowing Josh because of the experiences either of you have had before, you benefit because of how you each grow and the experiences you share together.


Even if I were to never see Josh again – which would be one of the worst tragedies that could befall me – my life would continue to be informed by the time we’ve spent together. Simply put, Josh is a part of me. I can only hope that other people have such a beneficial, rewarding relationship with someone.


Josh is my friend and the closest thing I have to a brother, and I love him for being a part of my life. He looks for (and can find) the best in people. He maintains compassion and perspective when it would be remarkably easy for him to be glib and complacent. He can tell people how he feels.


I admire Josh. He knows an immense amount about topics that I cannot even begin to fathom. He can see things in ways that I cannot. He thinks and acts with a true concern for the wellbeing of others. And even though I have been fortunate enough to know Josh for a long time and watch him grow into the person he is today, I believe that these traits are not confined to the relationship he and I have.


Josh is a truly great person. I am lucky to know him and honored that he calls me his friend. My friend Viktor would say that Josh deserves to have lived this long, but I believe Josh deserves much more than that.


Today is Josh’s birthday, and I hope that this year is his best yet. He may not have helped psych me up for the game against Oakview back in fifth grade, but over the years he has helped make me a better person, and for that I can never thank him enough.


Oh, and we beat Oakview that night. I never got in the game.

June 9, 2010

June 9, 2010 - What I believe

As I continue to engage in discussion – mostly but not exclusively political – I consistently run up against the same contention: that I am mistaken simply because I am young and naïve, and that I will learn and eventually get things right as I become older. Even though I do not subscribe to the notion that age inherently carries wisdom, I do think that a person should try to learn and improve over the course of his (or her) life. I don’t think that this sense of self-education necessarily implies change, but can instead take the form of refinement.


On the most basic level, I have never taken kindly to the suggestion that I am just young and naïve because it seems like the worst possible explanation for why I might be wrong. That said, if I do change how I feel and look at the world, I would like to have a clear image of how I saw things before those changes. I want to do the best I can to record what things are important to me and how I feel about them at this point at my life, if only so I can have a way of knowing how I used to feel.


Naturally, this will be incredibly hard for me to write, and will undoubtedly vary regularly between thoughts that are lucid, thoughts that are incomplete, and thoughts that seem egotistical or pretentious. I would prefer a consistently coherent piece that doesn’t sound as if I am trying represent myself as smarter or better than others (or as smarter or better than I really am), but that is unlikely to happen. I am too self-conscious to write without ego or without some attempt, however underlying or unintended, to make myself seem a certain way.


That is the first thing that I believe, and that makes this process understandably imperfect. Perhaps that is the way it should be. I can say, however, that the only person I expect to agree with everything I believe is me. This is not meant to be argumentative or coercive but declarative and informative. I cannot promise that it will be engaging, but I can promise that it will be as true as possible.


I believe that what you believe in does not matter nearly as much as why you believe it. With some obvious exceptions, I think that almost anything can be believed for the right reason(s). I believe that thinking this way helps you to understand issues more clearly and, perhaps more importantly, respect those with whom you disagree. Because of this, however, I never assume that I truly believe in the same things as someone who superficially supports the same “positions” that I do.


I believe that people are good. I have to remind myself of this sometimes, and I have not always felt this way, but I believe it nevertheless. I am not convinced that humans will “make it” in the end – whatever that might mean – but if we fail it won’t be for lack of trying or because individuals are not good enough.


I also believe that people are supposed to take care of each other. What comes before and after life is a mystery, and all we have during our time is one another. This, to me, is why being alone can also be very painful.


I believe that the hardest thing any person can do is realize that other people are as complicated as you are. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that the person in the car next to you at a red light is more than an extra in the movie of your life, but I think that it’s important to recognize that even the most random passerby has an entire world inside of them. I also find it much easier to be happy and nice if you honestly believe that the people around you are not just cardboard cutouts.


I believe that people are better, more valuable, and more important than animals. I also believe that people should be stewards of the Earth, including the animals on it. I have a great amount of respect for most vegetarians, but I don’t know how to react to people who argue that animal life is somehow worth more than human life.


I believe that Akira Kurosawa’a The Seven Samurai is the best film I’ve ever seen. I believe that Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man is the best book I’ve ever read. I believe that Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys is the best album I’ve ever heard. I believe that The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past is the best video game I’ve ever played.


I believe that it’s important to inject a little levity into supposedly serious proceedings.


I believe that the people who shout the loudest and the longest – especially when their message doesn’t change – often have the least to add to any conversation that might improve your life or the world.


I believe that American history is a narrative, and the recurring theme is this: people with varying degrees of imperfection doing what they can to make what they believe is a better nation. As much as we debate about John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, or Abraham Lincoln, the absolutely irrefutable threads that run between them are that all three were only men and all three made mistakes. All three were also brilliant, and that’s what makes their humanity and mistakes so hard.


I believe that Abraham Lincoln is the single greatest figure in American history. His view of the American Union, which my professor William Campbell often referred to as “mystical,” is the ideal to which we should continue to aspire. I believe that there is no limit to what we can continue to learn from what he did, said, wrote, and thought.


I believe that patriotism has nothing to do with American flag lapel pins, American flag t-shirts, or American flag car stickers. The greatest American patriots of the past didn’t wear American flag neckties or bandanas, and recognized that the American flag was not a design or a logo but a flag. I believe that the fact that the flag on US Army uniforms is less than three inches square tells us something.


I believe that a place with more guns is more dangerous than a place with less guns. I have never felt safer knowing that I am in a room with someone who is carrying a gun, legally or otherwise. I know that the world can be a dangerous place, but I don’t feel that it is made safer in any way by ordinary citizens using their own guns as a crime deterrent or as would-be vigilantes. I also think that while my understanding of the Constitution is amateur and incomplete at best, the average, now-accepted reading of the Second Amendment is essentially senseless.


I believe too little government is often a bigger threat to America’s continued providence than too much government. I believe that faith in the free market implies a belief in business as an overwhelmingly benevolent institution that even hard-line socialists do not possess about the government. Or, to quote Chuck Warnock, I believe that “Free markets will not self-regulate and reward noble purposes because we cannot assume good will by the majority toward the minority.” A United States operating without government regulation scares me and is not a place where I would ever want to live.


I believe that an inordinate percentage of people who consider themselves to be “pro-life” don’t seem to care enough about the lives of people who have already been born. The fact that there are people who are simultaneously pro-life, pro-war, and pro-death penalty defies any form of logic as I understand it.


I believe that there should be a wall of separation between church and state. I believe that a statue of the Ten Commandments in an American courthouse is an affront to the things our nation stands for. While we may argue about whether or not the founding fathers were personally religious, the documents they painstakingly crafted to describe the nation they wanted were and are, in my mind, clearly against an institutionally religious nation.


I believe that the people who are involved in the “tea party” movement know nothing about American history, the founding fathers, the Constitution, the Boston Tea Party, or contemporary politics on any level.


I believe that those who insist that there is a liberal bias in the media and academia understand little about what liberalism and bias are or what actually goes on in the media and in academia.


I believe that the people who say things like “those who can’t do, teach” have an inexplicable disrespect for those who have devoted their lives to helping make children and adolescents into intelligent, functioning members of society. Those people undoubtedly owe a tremendous amount to the teachers they have had, and why they choose to ignore that is something I do not understand.


I believe that it is wrong to disparage the role that art plays in defining a society and what it holds as important or valuable. I think that there is no limit to what we can learn about who we are and who we used to be by understanding what art tells us about what individuals and cultures are/were invested in. Because of this, I also believe that is wrong to disrespect the study of art as somehow unimportant or useless because what it produces is not necessarily tangible or marketable.


I believe that just because a person is an observer rather than a participant does not mean that his (or her) commentary on or criticism of a topic is inherently bunk. There would be little meaningful discourse in the world if only actors and directors could review movies or if only players and coaches could analyze basketball. And while actually doing something can provide a certain perspective that observing or studying often cannot, I believe that the perspective it provides is not the only one that is valuable or meaningful.


I believe that I am indescribably lucky and that I recognize my luck and how much I have to be thankful for. I believe that I am a good person, and I hope that I can become a great person.


Finally, I believe that I would not be shocked to find out that I am an alien. It would explain a lot of things.

June 6, 2010

June 8, 2010 - Favorites and bests

Sixth Grade Journal – May 26, 1995



Favorites

Bests1

Foods

Corn

Hamburgers2

Movies

Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump3

Songs

When I Come

Around

Basketcase4

TV Shows

Friends5

Jeopardy!

Music

Groups

Green Day

CCR6

Clothes7

Shorts

Shirts

Past-times

Basketball

Soccer8


















1This is the last entry in this journal, and it takes the form of a sort of chart, which I try to duplicate here. Most people who know me are aware that I make a rather strong distinction between the things I consider the best and I the things I consider my favorite(s), so it’s interesting for me to see that this feeling goes all the way back to sixth grade.

2Hamburgers might still be on this list, but probably under the “favorites” column instead of the “bests.”

3A clean sweep for Forrest Gump, eh? It’s safe to say that this wouldn’t really be the case these days. Forrest Gump is one of the movies that I seem to view in a different light than everyone else. Someday I’ll tell you all about it.

4Apparently I wasn’t lying when I said that I really liked Green Day.

5Ugh. A truly disastrous addition to the list. It’s hard for me to justify this, even though I was only eleven.

6It actually says “Creedence [sic] Clearwater Revival” in the journal, but I couldn’t get it to fit into this table. That’s a special “behind the scenes” insight into the creation of this blog. You’re welcome!

7Clothes? Favorite and best clothes? And what’s more, I’m not even talking about specific articles of clothing but entire varieties? How the hell are shirts “better” than shorts, and how do you prefer shorts over shirts?

8Wrong. Seriously wrong.



Eight Grade Journal – September 9, 1996

As Kelleman, Nate, and Hearne Got Up, The Strong Guy Knocked Them Out Cold9. Then Went After Miller10. Josh Hit Him With A Board But It Had No Effect. The Guy Grabbed Miller’s Arm And Broke It11, But He Didn’t Stop As He Hit Josh Through Another Wall. I Tried To Stop The Guy But He Kept Kicking Miller’s Butt12. “Help Him Please,” I Said For My Spell13. A Beam Tore Through His Stomach And He Disappeared. Miller Was Bloodied And Beaten, Lying On The Floor. I Laughed And Walked Off14. Seconds Later Josh Was Up And Tackled Me. I Threw Him Off And Jumped Up. He Was On His Knees And I Cracked Him Across The Face. “I Tried To Stop That Guy You Moron! Why Did You Tackle Me?” I Yelled. “Because You Didn’t Help!” Miller Said15. “Shut Up.” I Said. “Only In Your Wildest Dreams!” Josh Said16. I Racked His Over The Head And Knocked Him Out17.


9When we last left off, I was conjuring spells to beat up my friends. What a guy I am, eh? Also, soon it will be easier to remember the narrative of this serial brilliance since I won’t have much else by way of journal entries to share with you.

10This is what we call a sentence fragment, kids. I’m sure Cormac McCarthy would be proud.

11Something about the directness of this little passage makes it seem particularly gruesome to me. It’s not that eighth-grade Guy was usually a poet, but it seems like I typically had more to say than just “this dude grabbed the other dude’s arm and broke it.”

12The funniest thing about reading passages like this is that they make me think that I was in the middle of some sort of beef with Miller at this time, and that’s why I was having this magical warrior destroy him. My passive-aggressive streak seems to run pretty deep.

13This is a big upgrade from nonsense like “Impto Beemto Queerio Fro,” in my mind. Of course, it makes the whole spellcasting process seem remarkably plain, but there’s little I can do about it now.

14Not the coolest thing a friend could do in that spot. I don’t want to spoil the next few sentences, but Miller gets kind of pissed. Understandable.

15I kind of put myself in an indefensible position here. I’m the one who created the dude, I’m the one who let him kick my friend’s butt, and I’m the one who laughed as I walked away from the carnage I had created. It’s a little hard to argue that I was really doing all I could to help Miller out.

16This was one of Miller’s catchphrases around this time, and he used it with staggering frequency.

17Sure, it was probably supposed to be “racked him over the head,” but the important thing is that if Miller wants to crack jokes about wildest dreams, then I’m going to put him to sleep! Booyah!

June 6, 2010 - Toast and fashion shows

Third Grade Journal – May 18, 1992

There are only three things I learned1:

1. That a baby beavers are called kits2.

2. That beavers splash when their3 excited.

3. beavers homes are called lodges4.


1Ever? I certainly hope not.

2Apparently I didn’t learn until later that you don’t need to use singular articles with talking about plural nouns. You have to love any list where every single sentence has an error of some sort.

3That is, when they’re excited. As a side note, Word suggests that I turn “beavers” into “beaver’s” for this sentence, which would make it much stranger and worse in my opinion.



Third Grade Journal – May 25, 1992

How to make toast4.

1. Get some bread5.

2. Put it in the toaster6.

3. When It7 pops up put butter on the top.

ENJOY!!!8


4This is the big payoff for this blog. I know you’ve wanted to know these secrets for a long time, so I’ve decided to share them with you. I hope the wait has been worth it. Strap in.

5Any kind of bread will do, but hopefully at this point in your life you know that all breads are decidedly not equal. But just and get some, you’ll thank me later.

6A lot of people seem to overlook this step when making toast, but I feel that it is pretty integral to the process. As a side note, this list (and this step in particular) reminds me of this project we had to do in sixth grade where we wrote directions for doing simple tasks like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I remember being extraordinarily annoyed because you had to be stupidly specific (like: “Hold a butter knife by the handle and spread one tablespoon of peanut butter in an even layer on the top side of the bread”) in order to get a good grade. No wonder kids hate school sometimes.

7This should be all the proof you need of my immense adoration of and respect for toast. That capital “I” is not a typo. No way.

8As you can see, this is written in approximately size 70 font. As we all know, the best and most important part of making toast is enjoying it.



Third Grade Journal – Date unknown



This is just an amazing picture I drew of me destroying my friend Jay in a basketball game staged on a giant tree9. Not only is the score 147-13, but I am dunking at the buzzer. You play until the clock says zero, kids10.


9I remember drawing this. The idea was supposed to be that we were playing full-court one-on-one on two flat, connecting tree branches that came together through a hole in the middle of the trunk. This was clearly a very revolutionary, influential idea that others would steal from me.

10In most cases I don’t really agree with this approach, but clearly this was a serious matchup.



Sixth Grade Journal – May 25, 1995

Today at 1:30 p.m. in the Hager cafetorium11, I am Brandon G’s commentator12 for the “Stars Fashion Show,” and both 6th grades are going to the Ashland Tennis Center13.


11Even though I went to Hager for seven years, I still can’t get used to the word “cafetorium.” It is one of the sillier fake words I’ve ever encountered.

12I seem to have some vague memory of this, and it seemed to involve me announcing what he was wearing as he walked down the would-be runway. I don’t know why I wasn’t walking down the runway: I was a better-looking kid than any Brandon G I’ve ever known.

13That’s a good way to keep sixth-graders excited. I was taking tennis lessons around this time and I’m pretty sure that even I was bored.