November 23 - Mrs Maxwell and misnomers

There’s been a lot of stuff going on lately, so I actually have some semi-legitimate reasons (that is, excuses) why I haven’t been able to update much lately. Hopefully this will make up for it. I make no promises for the Thanksgiving break, but I’m going to try my darndest to get something up tomorrow night and maybe even something during the break itself. Here goes.

Third Grade Journal – November 20, 1991
Today is Nov 20 The Soccer Game¹ on Sunday the Rebels played the Wild ones. WOLF, SQUIRREL², Turtle, Car, Dog and Duck Play for the WILD ONES. GOOSE, BEAR, COYOTE, TIGER, LION³ and Cheetah Play for the Rebels.
The game started. The Wildones⁴ won the coin toss.
The Rebels kicked off but did not kick it downfield BEAR KICKED It infront of tiger. Tiger kicked it to Lion. Lion kicked it to Goose. Goose kicked it to COYOTE.⁵ COYOTE KICKED IT to Cheetah and Cheetah scored! The score was 1-0. The Wildones kicked of WOLF kicked It to the 5 yard line⁶ were SQUIRREL SCORED⁷. 1-1.
The Game is OVER⁸

¹ – As you will soon see, my younger self has taken some liberties with the idea of a “soccer” game.
² – I can only assume that the players with their names in all-capital letters are the stars. Hell, I don’t really know.
³ – I find your lack of serial comma use disturbing.
⁴ – Perhaps a unique nickname for the “Wild Ones.” I mean why keep words separate when you can just jam them together? That’s what I thought.
⁵ – This is some serious, engaging play-by-play action. And people wonder why “soccer” can’t make it in America.
⁶ – Yeah, not so sure that third grade Guy knows exactly what’s going on here. I mean sure, there is a five-yard line on a soccer field, but…oh never mind.
⁷ – That’s what we call a quick answer. The Wildones have a very serious offensive attack.
⁸ – First, I love that I recorded what has to be the shortest soccer match in history. Second, the word “OVER” here takes up an entire page on its own. Third, this entry doesn’t even mention the Thanksgiving spread I drew on the opposing page, complete with “Bear shaped Cranberry sauce.” That year I drew pictures of Thanksgiving foods and handed them out in the days before Thanksgiving so our class could have Thanksgiving together. This is the part where you go “awwwwww…”

Sixth Grade Journal – November 14, 1994
A.L.P.⁹

⁹ – There is an ALP entry for this date, and it reads: “I really like the A.L.P. class today.” Riveting.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 15, 1994
Dear Mrs Maxwell,¹⁰
Thank you for teaching me everything I know, I owe you a lot, including how to add, subtract, write, spell,¹¹ and teaching me how to be a good, disciplined, smart student all in 1st grade,¹² thank you very much!
Love,¹³
Guy Spriggs

¹⁰ – Mrs Maxwell was my first grade teacher, and she was my absolute favorite (only matched by Mrs Walker in fourth grade). She left the year after I finished her class, and I was incredibly sad.
¹¹ – That’s a lot of valuable stuff. She also taught the serial comma, I see. Very nice.
¹² – What I didn’t learn was how to stop comma splices and run-on sentences. Nobody’s perfect, I suppose.
¹³ – Yeah, that’s right. I was sweet on her. On a more serious note, imagine how you would feel if you were a teacher and one of your students wrote this flowery letter about how much he loves a previous teacher. Pretty awesome. Take that, Mrs Robertson.

Sixth Grade Journal - November 16, 1994
“Koala bear” is a misnomer because it isn’t a bear, it’s a marsupial.¹⁴

¹⁴ – True. Not particularly interesting, but true. I wonder if the “name a misnomer” journal entry was a plot specifically designed to make us spend more time thinking about the stupid Australian crap in Mrs Berrong’s class.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 18, 1994
All the teachers at Hager.¹⁵

¹⁵ – Next to this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “What was this topic?” I love that she did this regularly without just checking what other people wrote in their journals. I’m not bending to your rules, Mrs Robertson, you’ll just have to figure out the damn entry by yourself! Clearly the topic was “People who Mrs Robertson makes me hate.”

In case I don't update again: please have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Thanks for reading.

November 13 - Auto-correct and Australia

So I’ve finished another week of grad school, so I figured I’d celebrate by updating this incomparable blog with more tales of my youthful silliness. As always, I hope you enjoy, and I’m sure you’ll tell all your friends.

Third Grade Journal – November 10, 1991
Today is Nov. 10th¹

¹ – The entry for this day is entirely composed of these three hearts. I guess love was in the air.

Third Grade Journal – November 12, 1991
Today is Nov.12 My day w² has been a very good day. first I passed football with Evan who him and Sean are getted giting³ atougraphs for from⁴ people in my class

² – This entry is filled with typos, most of which I even tried to correct. I guess I was originally going to write “My day was good,” but instead switched it to “has been” to make it clear that I wasn’t ready for the goodness to be over.
³ – You’re 0 for 2 thus far, sport, give it another try.
⁴ – Getting autographs for the people in class would probably have been more amusing. I mean I know I’m going to be famous, and that third grade autograph will prove to be incredibly valuable, but other than that…

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – November 7, 1994
I am starting to like A.L.P. class better.⁵

⁵ – And I’m starting to like these ALP entries less. Not only are they erratic, but I find very few of them interesting. Since I’m the guy who wrote them, I can’t imagine how silly and useless they must be for you.

Sixth Grade Journal – November ??, 1994
1 station 2 padlock 3 swagman⁶ 4 jumbuck⁷ 5 billabong⁸ 6 emu 7 koala 8 kangaroo 9 dingo 10 kookaburra 11 Ayers Rock⁹ 12 echidna 13 aborigines 14 wallaby 15 mumbat¹⁰ 16 wombat 17 platypus 18 pavlova¹¹ 19 bandicoot 20 aussie 21

⁶ – A swagman, also called a tussocker, is an Australian term for a poor transient worker who carried his waterproof bedroll (known as a swag) on his back. I’m sure you can see the image in your head.
⁷ – Australian term for a sheep. I know that these footnotes now seem like actual footnotes, but I went to Wikipedia myself so you wouldn’t have to (and so I can pretend that you would have been interested enough to do so).
⁸ – Australian term for an oxbow lake. I tried reading the Wikipedia entry about oxbow lakes and it didn’t make much sense to me. Further research is on you.
⁹ – Ayers Rock is a legitimately awesome site in the middle of Australia. I’m sure you can tell by now that my teacher who was obsessed with Australia conned Mrs Robertson into getting us to make a journal entry listing random Australian words.
¹⁰ – No idea what this is. I assumed that it was some animal, but since there isn’t an entry for it on Wikipedia, I can only assume that it is fake and couldn’t possibly exist.
¹¹ – Like the dessert? That’s about as Australia-specific as “padlock.”

Sixth Grade Journal – Nomber 11, 1994
It means war, and all of the many, many people who died for the U.S.A.¹²

¹² – I can only assume that this is a reference to Veterans’ Day (I didn’t write down the topic!) or some continuation of the previous entry about flags.

November 6 - The epic return of Annoyance

Yeah, back-to-back updates. Weird! I’ve decided to focus on bringing Annoyance back into the fold today, so I hope that you enjoy reading more about spells and dragons and daggers (God, how I loved to talk about daggers instead of just plain old knives). Savor.

Third Grade Journal – November 6, 1991
Today is Nov 6. Lou Gerihg¹ died of the Lou Gerihg² disease two of his friends Jimmy Fox and Babe Ruth they were very good base-ball players³ THE⁴ END!

¹ – As you might gather, I was interested in Lou Gehrig at this point in my life. I had a huge collection of baseball cards, and loved to draw pictures from the cards and transcribe statistics and biographical information in my journal. I say that as if you haven’t already figured this out.
² – I love the multiple variations I use to butcher poor Lou Gehrig’s name. At least this time I was consistent.
³ – Just in case you wanted to know.
⁴ – Here “THE” is written in about size sixty font. It’s not just an end, it’s THE end. Don’t get it twisted.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – September 4, 1996
“We’ll Get You For That!” Brad Screamed.⁵ “Whatever You Wuss.” Nate Said. We Flew Back To The House Only To Find That They Were Waiting For Us. “How Did You……” Miller Said. “I Have A Teleporter!” Rucinski Said. “Not For Long.” Hearne Said As He Threw A Dagger At It. The Knife Hit Right On Target⁶ And The Teleporter Shorted Out. Kris Tried To Get Them Out. “Noo⁷! You Busted The Teleporter!” Kris Yelled. Then They Slowly Started To Morph.⁸ Kelleman Turned Into A Short Little Freak With Two Daggers. Brad Stayed As Himself.⁹ Jenni Turned Into What Seemed To Be A Homeless Lady.¹⁰ Rucinski Turned Into An Old Man, With A Staff. Then Kris Shot A Bolt Out Of His Staff And Fixed The Teleporter.¹¹ They Were Soon Gone. “What Was Weird!” Luan Said.¹²

⁵ – I’m sure you’ve gone back and read all Annoyance installments in preparation for this update. In case you haven’t, little has changed: some of my friends and I are locked in a struggle with a group of my friends who I somewhat arbitrarily made into an enemy group in a fantasy book-type setting. Recently, our dragon Blaze “slaughtered some guys” and then blew up the hut our enemies were staying. Oh, and one of my friends can turn into a mace. If you haven’t been keeping up, I apologize for hurting your brain.
⁶ – I always knew my friends had secret dagger throwing abilities. I just knew it.
⁷ – I can’t really think of a reason why you’d use “Noo!” instead of “No!” or “Nooooooooo!” I guess I wanted emphasis but not melodrama. The craft of fiction on display, folks.
⁸ – Morphing is a common theme in this story. I had so many interests (which you’ll eventually see) that any time I wanted to change the story, everyone would inexplicably morph into new people and be in a completely new setting with a completely new story. Hey, Alfred Hitchcock didn’t use much explication either. Eighth grade Guy was a master of his craft.
⁹ – I’m not sure whether this was a dig on Brad or my attempt to somehow spare him from being transformed into an unflattering character. Actually, I am sure. It was definitely the first option. Sorry Brad.
¹⁰ – Yeah, I didn’t think a lot of Jenni at this point. I’m still wondering how many of the actual “free write” entries I should use from this journal since almost all of them just rip on Jenni the entire time. We shall see.
¹¹ – I was unaware that there were ancient spells tailored to fix intricate, technological devices from the future. You learn something every day, I guess.
¹² – Say what you will, I always manage to close with something profound. Thank you, Luan.

November 5 - The River, pickle juice, The River

So today my goal is to catch up on the entries from elementary and then bring the epic tales of Annoyance back tomorrow (ideally). I know you’re just dying to know what is happening with Ishbu and the gang, but be patient.

Third Grade Journal – November 4, 1991
Today is Nov 4 This picture is of Lou Gehrig¹. He hit 492 Homers and 1990 R.B.I. His highest average was 500² and when he died he was 38 years old³ and he had 1508 beanballs⁴ and he played First base his Nickname was LOU “The iron horse” and he was born June 19, 1903 in New York and He died June 2. 1941 in Riverdale New York in 1942.⁵

¹ – I feel that I don’t need to show you yet another of my drawings of Lou Gehrig. Maybe I’ll do a gallery-type posting at some point to show off my work.
² – This sounds silly, but Lou did actually average .500 in 1924. He only had twelve at-bats, though, so that might diminish the feat just a little.
³ – A little morbid, don’t you think, third grade Guy? I mean come on, dude.
⁴ – As long as we’re listing useful statistics…
⁵ – This might be the greatest closing in the history of journals. Just to let you know, he didn’t die in 1941 in 1942, he just plain died in 1941. Don’t let this affect his legend.

Fourth Grade ALP Journal – October 29, 1992
Today we started porta-centers.⁶

⁶ – I have no idea what the hell this is. No joke, no punchline. It’s a mystery to me. Let’s move on.

Sixth Grade ALP Journal – October 31, 1994
Today I really like all the fun games⁷

⁷ – And the trend of verbose entries about how fun things are continues. At least in the other instances I could be bothered to use a legitimate verb tense.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 1, 1994
My favorite author is Gary Paulsen because he writes excellent books with the way he uses words⁸. Some of his books are The Winter Room and Dancing Carl. My favorite book is The River. It is about a man who spends 2 months in the wilderness. 1 year later the government wants him to do it again, but this time with a partner, Bryan.⁹ But tragedy strikes in the middle of the expodition, Bryan gets struck by lightning, slips into a coma, and the radio for help is broken, so they go up a 100 mile river to a Post Office to get help.¹⁰ The River.¹¹

⁸ – That is a good skill to have with the way you use words. Hard to think of a better. One.
⁹ – I do distinctly remember loving Gary Paulsen books when I was younger. After consulting the Wikipedia page for this book, however, it seems that I’ve mixed things up and Brian (instead of Bryan) is the main character who is the survival expert and the partner is Derek. Either that or someone has edited the Wikipedia entry to play an elaborate trick that was fifteen years in the making.
¹⁰ – That is some high drama, Gary Paulsen. Just the kind of stuff a growing boy needs.
¹¹ – I love that I end this entry with The River (and yes, I did underline it) as if my little book report has taken the form of a spelling bee response. “I really like Hitchcock’s Rear Window and recommend it to fans of cinema. It has compelling characters, a nice story arc, and plenty of tension. Rear Window.” I feel like that should be a standard practice.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 2, 1994
I might douse (dunk in liquid) fire, food, clothes, or people! Cars bikes, pickles in pickle juice, dishes, plants or squirt¹² are other things I might douse. I would douse every item, except pickles, in water.¹³

¹² – I’m going to assume that I meant squirt gun, but in the end your guess is as good as mine.
¹³ – This might be my favorite journal entry (that isn’t player/team of the day, of course). It’s such a silly topic (I mean really, who would ask their class to write about what things they would douse?), but the exclamation point after “people” and the “pickles in pickle juice” (which was worth noting twice) really set this off for me. Also, at the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote “Great ideas!” I know they are great ideas, lady. I came up with them.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 3, 1994
Today I have practice for the 6th grade Hager basketball team from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at the Hager Elementary School gymnasium.¹⁴

¹⁴ – Take that, Mrs Robertson. I’ll give you all the basic, useless information you can handle. At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote “Do you enjoy playing basketball?” That wasn’t the question, clearly!

Sixth Grade Journal – November 4, 1994
The U.S. Flag is a symbol of freedom, the only free country¹⁵, a symbol of hard fought wars to put us where we are now¹⁶, 13 colonies, 50 states, the United States of America.¹⁷

¹⁵ – We might need to rethink this position.
¹⁶ – Amen to that, younger self.
¹⁷ – That’s poetic. Beautiful. The River.