September 30 - Knifes, etc

So I’m trying to figure out some things to do to supplement these updates without just turning this into a reproduction of Annoyance. I have a few ideas that you’ll (hopefully) see in the next few days, so please let me know what you think. For now, however, please continue to enjoy!

Third Grade Journal – September 30, 1991
Today is Sept 30 I like these kind of guns and knifes¹

¹ – Short and sweet. This entry is a perfect example of why I was lucky to go to elementary school when I did. I probably would have never made it past the third grade in today’s school with a journal like this. Nevertheless, I’m sure you’re impressed by this display.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 30, 1994
1. Never hurts you.
2. Never fights you.
3. Never hurts your feeling.
4. Never teases you².
5. Never gets jealous.
6. Never insults you³.
7. Never steals your money⁴.
8. Never flirts with your girlfriend⁵.
9. Never talks behind your back⁶.
10. Never tells secrets⁷.

² – Never hurts your feeling or teases you? Apparently this was a big deal for me. I sense a pattern developing here.
³ – No hurting feelings, teasing, or insulting. Okay, I still follow.
⁴ – Never steals money? Someone stole my money? Was this my paltry allowance or the big money coming in from my NBA pencil trading?
⁵ – Is there really such a thing as flirting at this point? I’m also pretty sure I didn’t have a girlfriend at this time. This seems awfully theoretical.
⁶ – No hurting feelings, teasing, insulting, or talking behind your back. Reaching a little bit by now…
⁷ – This was a particularly important one to me, as we’ll learn about later. Nevertheless, I could probably have summed up all of these with: “Never acts like a jerk.” But I guess that would have made it harder to come with ten entries for “Things a good friend never does” (or whatever this topic was).

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
The Morning Was Very Hectic. “Hello Chris.” I said. Kelleman, Rucinski, Jenni, Tasha, Eileen, And Brad⁸ Greeted Us In The Morning. I Held Up My Staff Saying The Words: “Enga Um Sertum⁹.” And My Newest Learned Spell Worked Like A Charm. Their Weapons Disappeared And We Were Rendered Invisible. “Where’d They Go?” Brad Said. It Was Time For My Next Spell: “Sonti Cas Tickalinto¹⁰.” Kellemen, Brad, And I Were Put Into Our Own Battlezone¹¹. “Okay Boys, I’m Gonna Kick Your Butts!” I Came Back Into Vision¹².

⁸ – By some measure these were all friends of mine during middle school years. These six, three of whom formed the Maidens of Destruction (at least I think that was their illustrious title), formed the main core of the enemies in this story. I know it’s a lot to take in.
⁹ – I love looking back and reading these spells, because I’m sure I was just trying to put strange sounds together since I never actually read any fantasy books.
¹⁰ – Again, I’m wondering how I came up with this “spell.” “Sonti Cas Tickalinto” just doesn’t have the good sound I feel I should have been looking for.
¹¹ – Imagine something like a cross between the movies Running Man and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. You’re welcome.
¹² – I’m not sure why it was necessary that I be rendered invisible, but oh well. Sometimes it’s better to not nitpick such great storytelling.

September 29 - Australia, checkers, and a cheap shot at Dan Brown

I love you guys so much that I’m willing to take a break from reading Freud to type up this update on Monday afternoon. I’m sure you’ll find a way to pay me back. No worries.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 29, 1994
Dear Mom and Dad,

So far this year in school we have done alot of fun stuff. We have done many science expieraments, and right now we are writing letters to kids in Australia¹, we are also doing centers on Australia and its six words². I gotta go.

Love Ya,

Guy Spriggs³

¹ – I remember having a pen pal in Australia during sixth grade. I think they were from a city named Wagga Wagga or something like that. In his first letter, my pen pal told that his class had just started to learn about America, and he was surprised to learn that Kentucky was a place and not just a way to fry chicken. Off to a good start, I’d say.
² – I have no idea what Australia’s six “words” are or what I learned about them. I think Australia has six states/provinces, but oh well. I do remember having to study Australia almost all year in sixth grade because my geography/history teacher had just spent the summer there and was obsessed with it. Who cares about a curriculum?
³ – Next to this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Guy, I enjoyed reading your journal. Please make sure you always include the topic of the day.” Oh, she enjoyed reading it alright, even the pages she said she wouldn’t read! Jerk.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – September 5, 1991
Today is Sept. 5 Today has been really great⁴. today we played in the gym. it was really fun. I played on the big checkers⁵. that was they most fun. THE END⁶.

⁴ – It looks like I was all about letting the good times roll in third grade.
⁵ – You know, the big cloth checker sets you see at places like Cracker Barrel. Lauren Gibbs and I were the undefeated checkers players in sixth grade, but negotiations for a superfight between the two of us never materialized.
⁶ – I’m not sure that I understood the difference between a journal and a story, as I was often inclined to declare an end to the entry in this fashion.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
Soon I Could See⁷ And I Saw Nate Bash The Last Guy Across The Face With Luan. “Warn Me Next Time Before You Do That!” I Said. “Sorry.” Nate Said. We Went Back To The Hut And Slept⁸.

In⁹ The Morning We Woke Up And Went Out To See What The Territory Was Like. There Were Houses Around That Resembled A Village¹⁰. There Also Was A 3-Story House-Type Thing That Had Tons Of Food¹¹. We Rested Most Of The Day, For Tomorrow Out True Adventure Would Begin¹².

⁷ – When we last left off, I had just been blinded with a light that would have killed a normal man. I’m sure you didn’t forget.
⁸ – Transitioning was one of my real specialties at this time.
⁹ – This is the first paragraph break in the story, taking place at the bottom of the fourth page. Faulkner, eat your heart out.
¹⁰ – You know how sometimes you’ll just go around and find a bunch of houses that resemble a village? This is like one of those times.
¹¹ – These are the kinds of things I stumble upon all the time. I usually leave them for the less fortunate, you know me, but in this case I was desperate.
¹² – The adventure hasn’t even begun yet? I’m a bit confused, but the good (and sad) news is that I’m still pretty sure Annoyance is still better than anything Dan Brown has ever written.

I noticed today that there is a big gap in entries from the sixth grade journal between today and October 11. I suspect that pages have been taken from this journal at some point, but it’s a real mystery. Since that particular journal has been doing most of the heavy lifting (what its consistency and teacher-fueled privacy invasion), I’ll have to come up with something interesting starting pretty soon. Tune in tomorrow to see how things turn out…

September 28 - They just can't be pleased!

So I took my first break from this little undertaking to participate in a Chili Fest (don’t worry, I didn’t win or anything). Good news is I decided to keep doing this, for whatever reason. I’ve decided to turn this update into a roundup of the entries that would have been included over the weekend. Enjoy!

Third Grade Journal – September 26, 1991
Today is Sept 26 Really scarey monsters huh I made them up¹ do you think they are cool I do because they very scary² and I like very scarey³ stuff

¹ – Luckily, the term “made up” here could have any context. Otherwise it would be like I was just copying these same Disney Adventure monsters and taking credit for them.
² – You’ll note that I decided to adhere to more traditional spelling conventions at this moment. Don’t worry, it won’t stick…
³ – Such a rebel. When in doubt, jam in the silent E. Jam it in!

Sixth Grade Journal – September 26, 1994
1 Backscratcher
2 Nail Cleaner⁴
3 Hair Brush
4 ???⁵

⁴ – Not sure exactly what this means. Like a nail brush that cleans the outside, or the little blade you use to clean under the nail? Seeing as how I spent the majority of my elementary school years ruthlessly biting and chewing my fingernails, I’m surprised I knew that such a thing existed.
⁵ – Next to this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote “Topic???” The multiple question marks could easily mean either dismay at my noted refusal to list topics or a sense of confusion since I have no idea what I was listing here. Yes, for the fourth entry, I did just write three question marks. Listing four…things you might find in a bathroom cabinet was a real challenge.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 27, 1994
1 Benton, no one can please him!
2 Ramona, atleast she never acts pleased⁶!
3 Brad, I don’t know why⁷!
4 Ashley, she can not be pleased⁸!
5 Chrissie, you just can’t please her⁹!

⁶ – I don’t really remember interacting with Ramona a lot in those days, but clearly her apparent displeasure was a big deal to me. Side note: I’m assuming that the topic was something like “Who gets on your nerves and why,” which seems like a counterproductive exercise for a sixth grade class journal.
⁷ – I’m glad I could come up with a well-conceived reason here.
⁸ – Was I really trying to please everyone, or could I just not come with any legitimate explanation? I’m baffled.
⁹ - …

Sixth Grade Journal – September 28, 1994
Today I have A.Y.E. at 3:30pm¹⁰.

¹⁰ – Ah, Ashland Youth Education rears its head again. Mrs Robertson seems to have stopped encouraging me to write more about this (and thus wasting her time and energy) by this point. Kudos to the lady.

Thus ends the post-vacation roundup. Hopefully if I have to leave again I will be able to keep up while I’m away. Feel free to e-mail me or leave comments. Also feel free to start flyer campaigns in your local area drawing attention to this blog. It’s just a suggestion.

September 25 - A good day and good friends

Naturally, a dilemma has arisen in my treatment of these bonus entries. Perhaps I was a bit overzealous in my attempt to provide you with three entries per day, but it’s clear that eventually I will soon run out of “bonus” entries used to supplement nonexistent concordant entries. Obviously, since the extra entries come from the short amount of time between the beginning of the school year and the first posts on this blog (September 14), the bonuses that remain grow fewer everyday. Don’t worry, I’ve got at least one percent of my brain firmly focused on solving this problem. I hope the inevitable result will be satisfactory. I also hope that I won’t have to resort to just posting huge sections of Annoyance. I mean, I’d like at least one person to still stick around.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – September 4, 1991
Today is Sept. 4 Today has been really good because I have had a picture and when we stayed at my room for a long time¹ Wow²

¹ – Sorry folks, your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea what the hell any of this means. Had a picture? Stayed in my room? Did I have my own room in the school? How could I forget something like that?
² – This “Wow” is written in sweeping size 200 font across the bottom of the page. And yet it lacks an exclamation point. So it’s a powerful but measured excitement. Makes sense to me.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 29, 1994
1 Help friends with their homework.
2 Comes over to play and spend the night³.
3 Lets you borrow money⁴.
4 Gets you presents.
5 Helps you remember stuff⁵.
6 Sits by you at lunch.
7 Comforts you when your sad⁶.
8 Makes you laugh.
9 Sticks up for you.
10 Doesn’t tease you⁷.

³ – Technically this is two things. Yes, I’m that kind of pedant.
⁴ – I don’t recall ever borrowing money when I was in elementary school. In fact, I recall running a borderline black market selling NBA Team pencils with the change I had left from buying lunch.
⁵ – Ah, this explains a lot.
⁶ – When was the last time you comforted me when my sad? Huh?
⁷ – Beside this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good ones!” For some reason, she didn’t ask what the topic was. Assuming that the topic involves listing qualities in a good friend, the question remains, however: did I try to list the things I sought in friends or did I compile the things that I felt made me a good friend? See, there are deep things going on here.

So these two entries were kind of long, so I’m going to stop there for today. It’s not really time to bring back the “Life” journal again, and I know you are always willing to take a quick break from Annoyance, so hopefully we can continue to be friends. I’m also going to be out of town for the next few days, but I’ll try to update if I can.

September 24 - Crimefighting is tough work

Okay, first I want you to be calm. Now…I have to tell you, there are no concordant entries in any of my journals. See, I knew you’d be mad, but please don’t be. I’m still going give you some fun stuff, even if you are upset. The third grade entry today is one of my favorites out of any of these journals. Once this blog has worldwide popularity, which it clearly will someday, I’ll set up a poll so the adoring fans can vote on the best entry.

BONUS ENTRY¹: Third Grade Journal – August 30, 1991
Today is August 30 Today Jay Wonn got a really mean kid to chase Tonya, Kathy, Courtney, Today he was really weird today. but I helped Tonya, Cathy, Courtney². When your eight and you’re³ a crimefighter It’s hard work⁴.

¹ – Yes, I’m aware that it’s not really a bonus entry if everything is a bonus entry. I asked you not to be mad.
² – Clearly I thought it would be helpful to re-list the names of all the girls. Maybe I wanted to reinforce my masculinity. Maybe I assumed you would be forgetful and not think to look back to the line above. Or maybe I wanted you to be sure that I helped them all. I don’t discriminate.
³ – I’m as confused as you are by the “your/you’re” issue here. I’m assuming that I was taking a moral stance.
⁴ – That classic eight-year-old humility and fortitude. I love it.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 26, 1994
Today I am going to go to the Ashland Tomcat football game⁵ and Nate is going to spend the night⁶.

⁵ – I probably wasted more time going to Tomcat things than anything else other than sitting in front of a computer. I can’t recall a single play from any game, since my friends and I were always just running around doing random stuff. It was basically recess with adults and bleachers. So maybe not such a waste.
⁶ – Below this, I wrote “I hate Nate now” in parentheses. Clearly this was a later edition which I crammed in after the teacher had already read this section. Naturally, I have no idea why I hated Nate at any given point in my life.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
I Held Up My Staff And Said, “Help Me, Please⁷.” A Light Beam Shot Out Of My Staff And He Flung Into a Tree. I Got Up, Picked Up Luan, And Started Walking Back To The Hut When I Heard, “AAAAHH!!” I Turned Around To See The Last Psycho⁸ Running At Me. “Oh Boy⁹,” I Said. Then Nate Tackled Him From Behind. The Other Guy Picked Up His Sword. “Now You Will Die Too!” He Yelled. I Threw Luan To Nate¹⁰. “Catch!” I Said. Nate Held Luan Up. “Midnight!” He Yelled. I Tried To Shield My Eyes But I Was Too Slow. My Eyes Were Engulfed In Enough Pain To Kill A Normal Man¹¹.

⁷ – I have the most powerful spell book in the world, and this is all it takes. Pretty nice.
⁸ – For those keeping track, the five or six guys with swords are now officially psychos. Just wanted to clear that up.
⁹ – A moment of the definitive Guy Spriggs attitude, at least of those years. Savor it, I don’t mind.
¹⁰ – Yeah, this whole “throwing around a person because he’s actually a mace and not really a person at that moment” thing isn’t going to stop being awkward. Sorry.
¹¹ – This must be a different sort of pain than the previous mace beam lighty stuff, seeing as how Nate and the five or six psychos/guys with swords all seemed to emerge unscathed. Weird how that works out.

September 23 - Busiest page in history

Sorry for the lateness of this update. I know that you take this very seriously, so I apologize for disappointing you.

Third Grade Journal – September 23, 2991
Today is Sept 23 three more days til the fall festival I drew these monsters¹ becase I thoght they would be in the Haunted House Do you think so? I do because these monsters are very scarey that is why I think they might be at the Fall Festival². Here are some More cobat Weapons³

¹ – I bet you can never guess what monsters I drew!
² – Now that is logical thinking.
³ – I’m assuming I felt the need to draw combat weapons because I would (naturally) need something to help in fighting these “scarey” monsters.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 23, 1994
So far 6th grade is fun and boring, fun because I like music and computers⁴. Boring because English, science⁵ & geography are no fun⁶.

⁴ – I was clearly a smart kid. Too bad that in this case liking music meant enjoying going to a small room and playing a lame recorder for thirty minutes once a week. Rock.
⁵ – Yes, I omitted the Oxford (or serial) comma here. This is an unforgivable error that I must today reproduce regularly because AP writing rules. It’s sad.
⁶ – They are no fun at all. Anyone who would study these things is clearly a dolt and a dullard.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)⁷
All Of Them Starting Screaming And Dropped To Their Knees. “My Eyes! I Can’t See!” Nate Screamed. “I Blinded Them. Cool!⁸” Luan Said. I hit⁹ The First Four Guys In The Head With Luan, Each Time He Said, “Hulk Smash!!!” As I Was Getting Ready To Hit The Last Guy, He Came Out Of His Blindness. “Oh Crap!” I Yelled. He Swung His Sword And Knocked Luan Out Of My Hands, To Right Beside Nate. “Diiiiiieee!!!” He¹⁰ Screamed.¹¹

⁷ – This entry is a massive one. I’m assuming that I started it during class and then finished it outside of school, if only because I was never able to write this fast.
⁸ – A natural response, I think.
⁹ – This is not a typo: this word is not capitalized. It’s tough to say why, exactly.
¹⁰ – I’m assuming that the “He” in question is the last bad guy, not Nate. It wouldn’t be cool if he turned on me like that, even though he did try to kill me before.
¹¹ – Suspense! Now I know you’ll tune in tomorrow.

September 22 - Fire drill and the return of Annoyance

I accomplished nothing this weekend, so clearly I’m already using this blog as an obligation that keeps me from doing things that might be considered more important. It’s not like reading the books for graduate school is that important anyways. Enough about today, though, let’s read about the days of yore!

Sixth Grade Journal – September 22, 1994
Today I have Advanced Youth Education¹ at 3:30².

¹ – For the sake of clarity: Ashland Youth Education was an after school program where I basically sat in front of a computer for an hour looking at educational CD’s and taking quizzes. Other than it’s connection to Ben Jackson, who I’ll have to talk about later, it seemed like a silly waste of time.
² – As before, my assumption is that this topic simply asked us to write about what we were doing after school. I find it strange that this topic only seemed to appear on the days that I had Ashland Youth Education. Coincidence?

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – August 28, 1991
Today is August 28 Today we had a fire drill³. also me and Sean and Mark and Derrick and Kevin vs Jole and Rusty and Mathew and Jack and we won 40 to 0 and we only played for 20 minutes⁴. wow! becase every time that they passed the ball my team intersepped they ball or they would miss the ball and Derrik would jump on it⁵!

³ – Excitement.
⁴ – I can only assume that we were playing some game that was vaguely like football.
⁵ – Yes, a football-esque game with strange free-for-all interception rules. No such thing as an incomplete pass on this playground, no sir.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
A Low Rumbling Woke Me In The Middle Of The Night⁶. “What Was That?” I Said. Everyone Else Was Asleep. “I Don’t Know.” Two Voices Said From The Corner. Then Luan And Nate Stepped Into The Small Amount Of Light. “I Thought You Guys Were Asleep!” I Said. Then Luan Turned Into KnightBringer. “What The Heck?!?” Luan Said In His Magic Form. “Let’s Go See What That Noise Was.” Nate Said. I Picked Up Luan And Went Outside⁷. Soon Five Or Six Guys With Swords Surrounded Us⁸. “They’re Attacking Us Pretty Late, What Time Is It⁹?” Nate Asked. He Drew His Sword. “It’s About Midnight¹⁰.” I Said. Then Luan Started Vibrating¹¹. Six Beams Shot Out His Spikes. They Hit Each Person In The Face (Including Nate But Not Me¹²).

⁶ – Last we left off, I made note of how cool I was after learning that one of my friends had gained the ability to turn into a mace. Admit it, you’re enthralled.
⁷ – There’s no way to explain this to make it sound normal. Actually, it’s probably less strange if my friend can’t change into a mace and I’m just carrying him around in human form.
⁸ – Five or six? Not concerned with accuracy, I see.
⁹ – Clearly past the limit for attacking strangers in a fantasy story. Seriously, this line amuses the hell out of me.
¹⁰ – If you’re asking for an album recommendation, Round About Midnight by Miles Davis is a delight.
¹¹ – I wasn’t sure it could get weirder until…now.
¹² – Because I’m cool and have a shield for that kind of thing. Don’t ever try to hit me in the face with beams shot from the spikes of a mace. Don’t waste your time.

Twelve footnotes means a new record! This is an exciting development, so make sure to read this blog regularly and tell everyone you know about it. Huzzah!

September 21 - Complete H-Bomb Disaster

You might notice that there is no ALP journal entry for this date. I noticed that there is a strange absence between September 14 and October 1 (1992), which means not only a two week gap in entries but also a switch in the day of the week for ALP classes from Monday to Thursday. Eerie. Also, I have included the first “real” entry from my eighth grade journal. Do enjoy, and feel free to comment or e-mail me about how lame this all might be.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 21, 1994¹
Sport cards, toys, games, and magazines are things you might find under my bed².

¹ – It is important to note, following yesterday’s entry, that this entry was also made on the folded over, Do Not Enter, Top Secret page where my privacy was violated.
² – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Topic?” I mean really, Mrs Robertson?

Eighth Grade Journal – September 21, 1996
Free Write
Today Is Simply Horrible. What Started As An Okay Day Turned Into A Nightmare Ride To Hades. First Period Was Okay, But Second Period Was A Complete H-Bomb Disaster³. Early In ICP⁴ Class I Asked Ms Salyers If I Could Get A Drink Of Water. She Told Me No, And Then Said, “Why? Were You Making Out In The Hallway?” Ooo’s And Giggles Filled The Room, And By Next Period (Spanish II) I Was Hearing Stories That I Was Dating Amanda Raines⁵ And Amber Wilson⁶, And That I Had Been Caught Making Out With Amber Outside Of ICP. All Of This Is A Totally, Absolutely, Positively, Gigantic, Untrue Lie⁷. Now Every Five Seconds Someone Asks Me, “Are You Dating Amanda? Are You Dating Amber? Were You Trying To Score In ICP?” I HATE TODAY!!!!! I Wish Today Would Fall Into A Black Hole And Disappear. My Friends Think Its Funny And Tell Me I’m Overreacting⁸. I Just Want To Go Home.
Now, Back To My Story.

³ – This was a favorite phrase of mine, and it occurs with regularity throughout Annoyance.
⁴ – ICP was the Introduction to Chemistry and Physics course I took during eighth grade. This class was not, in any way, associated with the Insane Clown Posse. I promise.
⁵ – A girl I don’t remember at all.
⁶ – A girl I do remember, but haven’t really spoken to since early high school.
⁷ – I don’t know if you’re keeping track, but that’s a rather large and serious falsehood.
⁸ – My wish that the day would fall into a black hole does not substantiate this claim of overreaction.

September 20 - Scandals and Violations

There are only two entries in today’s update. Not only would I like to continue giving a break from my shameless Annoyance advertisement, but I think the so-called “Life” journal is best if used very, very sparingly. Also, the entry for my sixth grade journal is filled with scandal! I know you can hardly believe it (believe that), but just you wait!

Sixth Grade Journal – September 20, 1994Sort of, I don’t really like my facial features, what’s why I never have a girlfriend, but I wish I had a girlfriend.

Explanation for this entry defies the normal limitations for a footnote. I don’t look back at this entry and feel sad, I feel violated. Sure, it’s kind of upsetting to know that I thought about these kinds of things when I was just a kid and felt they were important enough to write about, but there are bigger issues at play here. As you can plainly see, the journal guidelines given out at the beginning of the school year clearly stated that pages could be folded over if the writer did not want them to be read. This idea is only reinforced by the clearly labeled “Top Secret” and “Do Not Enter” signs for the page of today’s entry. But what did I find written at the bottom of the entry? Mrs Robertson had written “I'll bet you will soon,” offering support in an attempt to hide her blatant defiance of my wish for privacy. Not only did see breach my confidential thoughts, she left behind a little something to let me know she had done so. Diabolical.

Oh, and to make matters worse, she compounded the offense by writing “Topic?” at the top of the entry, as I had once again neglected to point it out. It is a sick game you played, Mrs Robertson, and this is a truly gross injustice.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – August 27, 1991
Today is August 27 Today school is better than ever¹. Today has been a great day for me. YYYYYHHHHHAAAAA²! Today I have a schrimage game³ go redskins GO REDSKINS⁴

¹ – See, this is why no one should feel bad for the sixth grade entry I posted above this one. Granted, I’m not sure why school was better than ever, but I’m sure that my record of school quality is accurate.
² – I’m not quite sure how you would actually say this.
³ – You will note that my participation in organized football does not continue past this singular entry. I was late to the first practice and forced to run laps around Central Park for the entire hour of the practice. I showed up to the second practice, with no football experience, and was pounded by bigger kids for the entirety of that practice without any instruction or help from the coach. I promptly quit, and consider it one of my better life decisions.
⁴ – This is scrawled in size 100 red crayon, and I would have included a picture of it if I didn’t feel as though I had already exceeded the image limit for one day.

September 19 - Now believe that

Again, this date only has one concordant entry, so I’m providing you with some extra entries for your enjoyment. I have offered an entry from a more recent, non-school-related journal as a short break from the Annoyance updates. It is the one journal I kept outside of class that I still have, and it consists of sixty-four pages written over the course of five years. The entries in this journal are often lengthy, rambling, and somehow even less important than the entries in my third grade journal, so I won’t reproduce them here in full unless particularly noteworthy. The tone of the journal is generally crappy, continuing the “regret” trend that has developed, so its appearance here will only be occasional on days to give a break from the better journals. It also serves the purpose of balancing the silliness of my earlier journals with melodrama. We’ll see how it turns out. I hope you can still enjoy this little experiment.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 19, 1994
It really bugs me when Joe¹ won’t shut-up and when Joe bugs the crap out of people².

¹ – I don’t specifically remember Joe, but I seem to recall that he was just your standard “trouble making” kid who would disrupt class a lot. Apparently I believed that he did so by “bugging the crap out of people.”
² – Next to this part, my teacher wrote, “What does Joe do that bugs people?” This strikes me as strange, since the only real memory I have regarding Joe involves Mrs Robertson asking him to leave the room so that she could tell us how to deal with his disruptive attitude.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – August 26, 1991
Today when I whoke up my leg was hurting realy bad. it still hurts now believe that³. but I think it is gone no it isn’t gone!

³ – Even eight year old Guy knew you would be incredulous. Believe that!
⁴ – Beyond the epic suspense crafted here, I love the idea that my leg apparently still hurt even though I thought it was gone. Did I have to check or something? This is like a scene from the movie Airplane or something.

BONUS ENTRY: “Life” Journal – February 26, 2003
Well, I don’t have a lot of hope for this journal. With any luck, I’ll be able to put down my thoughts and have them for later examination⁵.
Sometimes when I think of my past and who I used to be, I wonder if I used to be a lot smarter than I am now. That sucks to actually see written, because it’s like I’m admitting that I’m as good/smart as I once was. School is another matter. The advisors at Marshall are forcing me to retake every course I received a C (or worse) in at Tulane. At the same time. What kind of sense does that make⁶? Bring me home from my first academic failure so that I can be set up for another fall. Awesome plan, guys⁷!

⁵ – Clearly a tiny bit of that latent optimism still remained after high school and the beginning of college. This is officially an uplifting narrative.
⁶ – This is one entry I can still relate to pretty easily. The policy at Marshall is to force a transferring student to repeat every class on his/her transcript with a C, D, or F before allowing the person to take other classes pursuing a degree. Pretty silly if you ask me.
⁷ – I admit that I came into the “everyone is against me and wants me to fail” part of my life a little later than most.

Hope that all of you who read this have a nice weekend. The update planned for tomorrow is fascinating to me, so I hope you’ll come back again. Tell your friends!

September 18 - More Disney Adventures and KnightBringer regret

Usually the updates will occur earlier than this, but Fridays will be a bit behind (most of the time, at least) because I am always so tired on Thursday. I know this isn’t your primary concern, however, so let’s get down to business. Disney Adventures, go!

Third Grade Journal – September 18, 1991
Today is Sept. 18 I am going bring a book home that one of EVAN WHITE. it is a realy good book. it is long and thick and has lots of words on the pages. it’s called Disney Adventures¹. It has lots of weird monsters here are some²

¹ – I told you this book was pretty important. I don’t know why I was so captured by these monsters, but they make their fair share of appearances. I’m still not sure what “Mo Mo” is.
² – Here is another display of my artistic abilities. Once you realize that these images were created by an eight year old you will want to be jealous, but don’t be. I’m only human.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 24, 1994
My first empressions of sixth grade were of patrol and of how nice the teachers would be³. Some of my other empressions were the responseabilities of be the oldest and of keeping up my grades⁴.

³ – I don’t remember a lot of memories, but I do remember people, and my sixth grade teachers were the worst of my elementary school years. Clearly I was either lying, drunk, or stupid when I made this entry. Tough to say which.
⁴ – Using correct verb tense? Not a priority.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996 (continued)
“Who Is Luan?” Hearne Said. “He Is A Mace Called KnightBringer⁵, He Will Be His Regular Self Until A Battle, Then He Will Turn Into KnightBringer⁶.” Flare Said. “I’m A Dumb Mace?” Luan Said, “But I Can Do A ‘Hulk Smash’!” “What Am I?” Ishbu Asked. “You Are Ishbu, Powerful Boy From India.” Flare Said. “Oh Boy, I Am Myself.” Ishbu Said⁷. “What’s The Deal With Me?” I Asked. “You Are The Most Powerful Mage In The World⁸. The Staff Is The Staff of Magius. The Book Is The Best Spell Book In The World⁹. In The Book Are Many Many Powerful Spells.” Blaze Answered. We All Just Looked Around For A Second. “I’m Cool.” I Said¹⁰.

⁵ – From what I recall, this was the element in the fantasy books my friends were reading that drove this part of the story. For some reason, I found this really compelling, but not compelling enough to read the actual stories myself.
⁶ – Seriously, this is one of the dumbest ideas in the history of literature. Even for hard fantasy books it’s pretty dumb. I didn’t create it, either, that idea is lifted right from those books my friends read. Blame them.
⁷ – God I hate you Ishbu.
⁸ – Witness my humility, folks. I mean I’m only the most powerful mage in the world, not in the universe or anything.
⁹ – I do love that I bothered to give the staff a name and then just noted that the spell book was “the best.” That’s just plain good writing.
¹⁰ – Best. Line. Ever.

September 17 - Fall festival and the appearance of Ashley Neikirk

Again, this is one of those days when I only have one actual “journal” entry, so I’ve provided some bonuses for you all. Enjoy!

Third Grade Journal – September 17, 1991
Today is Sept 17 In nine days it will fall festival¹ time Ha Ha² Okay

¹ – The Fall Festival was a big event that put on each year at my high school. It was something of a typical fair, with events and games and hayrides and a haunted house, but I was fascinated by it when I was a kid. I do have a specific memory from this event, however, and that is getting kicked in the face when I tried to stop a kid named Paul from sneaking into the haunted house without paying for a ticket.
² – This particular “Ha” is written in approximately size 300 font, as it takes up the entire bottom half of its page in the journal.

BONUS ENTRY: Sixth Grade Journal – August 22, 1994³
This year in school I want to be elected to the student council⁴, I want to have perfect attendance⁵, I want to make the basketball team, I want to bring in my homework everyday, I want to be a good student, I want to make all A’s, and I want to have FUN!
Yours Truly
Guy Spriggs⁶

³ – This was the first entry in my sixth grade journal. I’m not sure that I made this entry on the actual first day of class, but I do know that the topic obviously involved listing my goals for the year. Except for the results of the student council lesson, I won’t spoil the outcome of my goals for that year just yet.
⁴ – To those who have been close to me, my loss to Ashley Neikirk in the race for school Treasurer is associated with the development of my bitter and critical qualities. I could not understand how I could lose the race to someone who had such inferior math skills. This was a truly crushing blow.
⁵ – Perfect attendance was a big deal for me back in the day. I didn’t miss a day of class until I was in fifth grade. Luckily, my priorities have changed.
⁶ – Next to this entry, my teacher wrote, “Boy, if all your wishes come true, you’ll have a fantastic year!” We’ll see, Mrs Robertson, we’ll see.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 30, 1996
“How Did You Get Turned Into A Weirdo Like That?” Nate Said. “The Same Way You Got The Armor And Sword.” I Answered. I Turned Around, Coming Through The Portal This Time Was A Giant Dragon. It Landed Beside Nate. “Get On Steel.” It Said To Nate. “Who’s Steel, And Who Are We?” I Asked. “You Are Steel,” It Said To Nate. “You Are Palin⁷.” He Was Talking To Me. “I Am Flare. I’m A Female Blue Dragon⁸. You Are Carmen.” She Said To Miller. “You Are Sterm.” She Said To Hearne⁹.

⁷ – Arguably the most unfortunate name choice in history. This really stings. I guess I’m all stingy! Get it?
⁸ – Similarly, this might be the most awkward and unnatural introduction in history. At this point, it’s hard to believe that this silly high fantasy will eventually be replaced by zombies, vampires, and not so thinly-veiled references to Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight.
⁹ – The entry for this day is very long, but I chose to end here because the next part is (believe it or not) even sillier than the rest of these dealings with armor and dragons and portals. Seriously.

As a special photographic bonus, I have included a picture of the heading for Annoyance I mentioned in a footnote for the entry on September 14, 2009. Thanks again for reading. Tell your friends!

September 16 - Two words: Disney Adventures.

Third Grade Journal – September 16, 1991
Today is Sept. 16 A couple of days ago Evan White bought a disney adventures¹ and it had a bunch of weird monster. they are the mothman, champ, Mo Mo, Oscar, Skunk ape, Bigfoot, Dover Demon, Goatman, Jersey Devil, WHOWIE²

¹ – This particular issue of Disney Adventures Magazine may be the most important and influential artifact recorded or mentioned in the pages of these journals. The monsters depicted in this issue would find their way into an abnormally large percentage of the entries from that year. I know you can’t stand the suspense, but I implore you to be patient.
² – At this point I felt it was necessary to scan the page that accompanies the journal entry, because this really has to be seen. It is important to note that I was surprised and/or shocked enough to include only “WHOWIE” on the second page. Yes, I did reproduce the drawings using only freehand. Skills.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 16, 1994
1)Blitz 2)Offense 3)Defense 4)pass 5)quarterback 6)R.B. 7)T.B. 8)D.B. 9)rush 10)T.D. 11)F.G. 12)Safety³

³ – Next to this entry, my teacher wrote “Topic?” because, as per usual, I simply responded to the topic instead of copying it down. I don’t want to rag on Mrs Robertson too hard after the fact, but how stupid could you be to not recognize the topic you yourself created based on this entry? I’m still embarrassed for you here, and this was fifteen years ago.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 29. 1996
“Die You Stupid Fool!” He Yelled.⁴ I Rolled To The Right As The Sword Hit The Dirt. I Quickly Got Up. “This Time You Will Not Be So Lucky!” Nate Said. He Swung The Sword And It Cut My Arm. I Dropped My Staff. I Picked It Up And Ran.⁵ Soon I Found An Abandoned Hut. I Went In. “I’ll Find You, Foolish Boy!” Nate Said. As He Walked In I Jumped Down From The Ceiling And Knocked Nate Out. I Dragged His Body Back To Where The Rest Of The Guys Were. After An Hour He Woke Up. “I’ll Kill You Boy!” Nate Said. “If I Wasn’t Guy I Would Have Killed You By Now.” I Said. “Oh Yeah,” He Said.⁶

⁴ – Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet: Annoyance has no paragraphs or any other attempt at distinguishing length and establishing some sense of clarity. This revolutionary prose style was never fully appreciated or recognized for its genius.
⁵ – Textbook Guy Spriggs bravery, fictional or otherwise.
⁶ – I submit, for you, the greatest three lines of back-and-forth dialogue in the English language. Savor.

September 15 - Brevity, spying, etc

Today is one of those days when I only have one concordant entry in any of the four main journals. There are some days where there are no journal entries, but we’ll deal with those when we come to them. There is a fifth journal (I know, you’re shocked) that I will utilize in the future provided that there is some level of interest in this blog. Honestly, I really hope that people can get a good laugh out of most/all of this, so please let me know what you think. Here comes round two. Enjoy!

Sixth Grade Journal – September 15, 1994¹
Today I have Advanced Youth Education at 3:30.²

¹ – There were daily topics for this class, but I never wrote them down. In some cases this makes it difficult to understand what I was writing about at the tiem. This type of entry occurs multiple times, so I’m inclined to believe that when Mrs Robertson was lazy she would simply ask us to write about what we were doing after school. Lame!
² – Beside this entry Mrs Robertson wrote, “I’d like for you to write more about it.” This will become a recurring theme that manifests itself in a variety of ways. I’ll go ahead and spoil it for you: I never really take any of her suggestions to heart.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – August 23, 1991
Today is August 23 Today I passed football with Sean Joiner boy that was realy fun! and me and Evan White spyed³ on some kids⁴

³ – Spying (that is, to have “spyed”) was one of my primary pastimes in these formative years. I notice now that I never really wrote down what anyone was doing during these spying adventures. This leads to me two conclusions, the first being that recess was exceedingly boring, and the second being that I was a weird kid. Shocking.
⁴ – I will admit that this journal is slow in picking up. The later entries in it are what really inspired the idea for me to undertake this whole project, however. I promise that they will eventually deliver. Just wait until we get into the “Player of the Day.” Just wait.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal – August 28, 1996 (continued)⁵
A Staff⁶ Appeared In My Right Hand, A Brown Leather Book In The Other Hand. They Began To Change, Too. I Looked To My Right, A Greenish Purple Portal Opened. Light Blasted Through As A Person Fell In Front. Shielding My Eyes From Light, I Couldn’t Tell Who It Was. He Stood Up, It Was… “Nate⁷?!?” I Said. “How Do You Know My Name?” I Stood Up. “It’s Me, Guy!” I Said. “Yeah Right!” Nate Said And Punched Me. I Fell Backwards. “Dang! That Hurt!” I Thought. Then Nate Grew Bigger, Stronger, And Armor Appeared On His Body. A Huge Sword Appeared In His Right Hand.

⁵ – This is a continuation of the “bonus entry” from yesterday. I wrote in this journal both in and out of school, so it can be difficult to tell where the actual “free writing” starts and my attempt to expand the limits of Annoyance ends. There are some non-Annoyance-related entries, and while they are good, they are not particularly frequent. Also, in case you couldn’t tell, this is the part of the story motivated by the fantasy books (you know, dragons, spells, and all that jive) that my friends were reading at the time. Perhaps this blog should be titled “A Chronicle of Regrets.” I’ll think about it.
⁶ – This was the era where I developed my current handwriting style of using all capital letters. As part of this process, I clearly went through a period where I capitalized every single word. You’ll be happy to know that this makes reproducing these entries a pain in the ass.
⁷ – Another of my friends and fellow fighters in this story. Nate was a great friend of mine during this time whose family eventually moved away, bringing an unfortunate and regrettable (sensing a theme here?) end to our friendship. If my journals from third, fourth, and sixth grades actually included relevant details of my life, Nate would be a key figure.

September 14 - Gerfuls and being "stingy"

In case you missed the Introduction...

So for the most part, my goal is to reproduce the entries that match with the current date. Calendars are tricky, though, so this won’t always be possible. Nevertheless, I will try to fill the posts with the good, worthwhile content you expect as best I can. There may be something to be gained from this, but it’s really just in the name of fun. Please give it a chance and let me know what you think of all this…stuff.

Read, enjoy, and tell your friends!

Fourth Grade ALP¹ Journal – September 14, 1992
Today has been a fun day, we got to do computers, French, Math, Research, Lunch² was good and learned about a Gerful³.

¹ – ALP was the accelerated program for elementary school students in my hometown. Once a week the kids in the ALP program were taken to the middle school for a day of special classes. This is why this journal only has one entry per week. Just thought you’d like to know.
² – Upon rereading these entries, my current theory is that I disdained the use of periods (or any other real full stops). Oh, I won’t hesitate to start a new sentence with a capitalized word, but I also have no intent on ending that string of thought. No sir.
³ – The “Gerful” was a project that we did during ALP in fourth grade. I know that it revolved around this gerbil-like animal, designing things for it and writing things about it, and then presenting our projects to the class. I remember very little of my “Gerful” project, but I do remember that I hated it.

Sixth Grade Journal – September 14, 1994
No, I’m not very stingy⁴, I can be, but I usually am not stingy, because I share things other people need, and I buy my friends cokes and stuff.

⁴ – When I went back and read this again, I was confused as hell. On the tenth pass I finally realized that I was writing about whether or not I was generous, not whether or not I had sting-related qualities. Yes, I’m being serious. Clearly my mental faculties have dwindled since I was eleven.

BONUS ENTRY: Third Grade Journal – August 22, 1991
Today is August 22⁵. Today four girls Chased⁶ me on the playground, It made me think were should i run were should i hide i kept saying to myself, I was very glad when they went in. whoa⁷ what a day.

⁵ – I begin every entry in the third grade journal in this way. I’m not sure why I felt it was so important to state the date twice.
⁶ – This journal has a spotty record when it comes to random capitalization. A lot of times I simply capitalize the first word once my writing moves to a new line. I missed my calling as a poet.
⁷ – Another example of my ongoing conflict with the full stop. I finally use a period here, but refuse to capitalize the first word of the new sentence. What a rebel.

BONUS ENTRY: Eighth Grade Journal⁸ – August 28, 1996
“Man, Why Do They Challenge Us? We Kick Their Butts Every Time!” Miller Said. We (Luan, Hearne, Miller⁹, Ishbu¹⁰, And I) Teleported Into A Barren Land. “What The Heck Is This Place?” Luan Asked. “I Have No Idea.” I Answered. “Then Everyone Started Looking At Me Weird. “Why Are You All Staring At Me? What!?” I Said. “Your Hair Is Turning Brown And It’s Growing Real Long.” Luan Said. Suddenly My Clothes Turned Into A Long White Robe.

⁸ – The journal begins with the following heading:
Free Write
Chapter 1
Annoyance 2©
Irritation©
Eventually I will find a way to bring some pictures to these entries so you can see these things for yourself. The premise of Annoyance, which you will note that I copyrighted in my journal, involved my friends and I fighting each other across space and time. It is influenced by everything from random fantasy books to Star Wars to zombie movies. It is an insane mishmash. I realize that if I was a student in today’s elementary schools I would probably get in a lot of trouble for writing stories about fighting my friends. How can a kid get a decent public education if he can’t write about shooting crossbows at the person sitting next to him in Language Arts?
⁹ – These are three of my friends who were integral in the battles that rage across the pages of Annoyance. We were the primary members of the “good” side, along with:
¹⁰ – Ishbu, a character played by Kenan Thompson on the Nickelodeon show All That. The inclusion of Ishbu in Annoyance is high on my list of regrets, and I fully blame the aforementioned Miller for it.

So there you have it. Don't worry: there's plenty more to come. See you again tomorrow.

Introduction, of course

“The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their place, insomuch that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same.”
- Plutarch, Theseus

So the basic premise is for me to open my first post here with an allusion to some important, complicated idea in an attempt to imply that there is a larger goal in this undertaking (or at least make myself seem intelligent). I’ve never claimed to be a philosopher, so there’s a better-than-average chance that I don’t fully understand the passage from Theseus or the accompanying philosophical inquiry. This already seems like a poor idea.

I am a lucky person. I didn’t decide to do this because I suffered some horrific accident and was left questioning my identity as a result of a limb replacement or a heart transplant. I decided to do this because I have kept my old journals from over a decade ago for reasons that I can’t really explain. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t had any parts replaced, but when I read these old journals I do have a feeling that I’m not really the same person I was then. This seems like a natural and typical feeling, but I don’t mean to say that I believe I’ve changed or matured. I legitimately feel that these thoughts and records belong to someone completely separate and apart from myself. In most cases these entries aren’t really memories; these are more like shadows of memories: strange, awkward reminders of things I supposedly did or felt. What connection do I have to these journal entries or the person who wrote them?

Beyond my attempt at vaguely philosophical musings, I really just think that a lot of these journal entries are funny. While I was a good student in elementary and middle school, it’s clear looking back that I had no interest in using these journals for anything productive. And since sharing these things with you individually would be complicated and difficult, I thought it would be fun (and maybe even rewarding!) to expose these childhood and adolescent journal entries. It’s not that I don’t have shame, it’s more than I can’t really feel embarrassment for stuff that I do not recall writing at all. Plus, it will be fun (for me at least) to revisit this stuff and hopefully share it with people.

There are four main journals that I intend to use for this little project, all (mainly) from school or for school and written during a specific year. The first is the black and white composition notebook I used during third grade, which was essentially the inspiration for this whole plan due to its general excitement and lack of actual creative content. The second is the reporter-style steno notebook that I kept for ALP throughout fourth grade. I didn’t rediscover this journal until this year, and while it only has weekly entries (which I still didn’t meet all the time), there are great moments of bitter honesty, however brief. The third journal is a red single subject notebook that was used throughout sixth grade, when we actually had to follow topics and submit journal entries for a grade rather than as some simpler chronicle of “progress.” This journal is by far the most brutal to read, if only because the teacher gave us the option of folding the page for “personal topics” that we didn’t want her to read. Naturally, I took full advantage.

Lastly, we have the tattered, ragged blue three subject notebook that I used for Free Writing in my Language Arts class in the eighth grade. This journal deserves special mention because it contains something that was very important during those formative early teenage years: the second part of the unending project I had simply titled “Annoyance.” The first part of “Annoyance” was broken up into serials which I gave to my friends, and unless one of them has miraculously and inexplicably maintained a copy for the last fifteen years, the first part of this epic tale is sadly lost forever. I am not sure how reproducing “Annoyance” in this format will work alongside the other journal entries I want to share, so I will probably only use this frayed excuse for a notebook when including the infrequent personal comments (which I refer to as “interruptions”). This approach might not work, but if there is enough interest (and I hope there will be), I will consider investing some time into an Annoyance project and putting this seminal text on the internet for the world to see.

My goal is to redact as little as possible from these accounts, and I plan to keep everything intact, typos and all, showing you all the gritty details that rest in the pages of my journals. Given my noted lack of interest in maintaining most of these journals at the time, some of the entries may be a little lacking, so I will take measures to make each update worthwhile. Hopefully I can entertain you with accurate reproductions of the nuggets of wisdom that the eight-year-old, nine-year-old, eleven-year-old, and thirteen-year-old versions of myself felt important enough to record for posterity. This is their time to shine: this is that posterity.

And I almost forgot: there will be footnotes!