Third Grade Journal – May 18, 1992
There are only three things I learned1:
1. That a baby beavers are called kits2.
2. That beavers splash when their3 excited.
3. beavers homes are called lodges4.
1 – Ever? I certainly hope not.
2 – Apparently I didn’t learn until later that you don’t need to use singular articles with talking about plural nouns. You have to love any list where every single sentence has an error of some sort.
3 – That is, when they’re excited. As a side note, Word suggests that I turn “beavers” into “beaver’s” for this sentence, which would make it much stranger and worse in my opinion.
Third Grade Journal – May 25, 1992
How to make toast4.
1. Get some bread5.
2. Put it in the toaster6.
3. When It7 pops up put butter on the top.
ENJOY!!!8
4 – This is the big payoff for this blog. I know you’ve wanted to know these secrets for a long time, so I’ve decided to share them with you. I hope the wait has been worth it. Strap in.
5 – Any kind of bread will do, but hopefully at this point in your life you know that all breads are decidedly not equal. But just and get some, you’ll thank me later.
6 – A lot of people seem to overlook this step when making toast, but I feel that it is pretty integral to the process. As a side note, this list (and this step in particular) reminds me of this project we had to do in sixth grade where we wrote directions for doing simple tasks like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I remember being extraordinarily annoyed because you had to be stupidly specific (like: “Hold a butter knife by the handle and spread one tablespoon of peanut butter in an even layer on the top side of the bread”) in order to get a good grade. No wonder kids hate school sometimes.
7 – This should be all the proof you need of my immense adoration of and respect for toast. That capital “I” is not a typo. No way.
8 – As you can see, this is written in approximately size 70 font. As we all know, the best and most important part of making toast is enjoying it.
Third Grade Journal – Date unknown
This is just an amazing picture I drew of me destroying my friend Jay in a basketball game staged on a giant tree9. Not only is the score 147-13, but I am dunking at the buzzer. You play until the clock says zero, kids10.
9 – I remember drawing this. The idea was supposed to be that we were playing full-court one-on-one on two flat, connecting tree branches that came together through a hole in the middle of the trunk. This was clearly a very revolutionary, influential idea that others would steal from me.
10 – In most cases I don’t really agree with this approach, but clearly this was a serious matchup.
Sixth Grade Journal – May 25, 1995
Today at 1:30 p.m. in the Hager cafetorium11, I am Brandon G’s commentator12 for the “Stars Fashion Show,” and both 6th grades are going to the Ashland Tennis Center13.
11 – Even though I went to Hager for seven years, I still can’t get used to the word “cafetorium.” It is one of the sillier fake words I’ve ever encountered.
12 – I seem to have some vague memory of this, and it seemed to involve me announcing what he was wearing as he walked down the would-be runway. I don’t know why I wasn’t walking down the runway: I was a better-looking kid than any Brandon G I’ve ever known.
13 – That’s a good way to keep sixth-graders excited. I was taking tennis lessons around this time and I’m pretty sure that even I was bored.
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