February 4, 2010 - Never Karl Malone

Third Grade Journal – January 28, 1992

Today’s player of the day is Horris Grant¹. He can’t make inside shots very well². He plays for the Bulls and his number is fifty-four³.

¹ – Not to be confused with Horace Grant. As a side note, look at the vertical leap I gave to the guys in today's entry. It looks like these guys are playing on a fifteen-foot rim, and still dunking with relative ease (as you can tell from the delighted look on Horris's face).

² – That’s a flattering introduction. Why is he the player of the day if he can’t make a shot from five feet away?

³ – And thus ends all the information I knew about Horace Grant. You might figure out that this is the same amount of information you might learn (or infer) from looking at a basketball card of him. As for the inside shots thing…I guess I figured he couldn’t do it since he had to wear glasses and everything.

Third Grade Journal - January 30, 1992

Today’s player of the day is Dominqe Wilkins⁴ But he broke his leg, when he was playing the Milwake Bucks⁵. He very good dunker⁶. He he is good at shots. He plays for the Atlanta Hawks. He number is tw⁷

⁴ – Again, not to be confused with Dominique Wilkins.

⁵ – I was more about collecting basketball cards than actually watching NBA games at this time, so I’m actually kind of curious to figure out how I knew about that. Wikipedia doesn’t mention anything about it, but it does note that he ruptured his Achilles tendon against the 76ers. And easy mistake to make, I guess.

⁶ – Yes he is. He most certainly is.

⁷ – Unlike Horace Grant, I actually had some stuff to say about ‘Nique. As you might imagine, he was featured heavily in the “Greatest Dunker”-type videos that I watched incessantly as a child.

Third Grade Journal – February 3, 1992

Todays player of the day is Karl Malone⁸. Karl Malone plays for Utah Jazz. He slam dunks good and he is on the all star east team⁹ but when he dunks he bites¹⁰. Another good player is on his team his name is John Stockton. He was third place in the long shot championship¹¹ and He is also on the West all stars.

⁸ – Much like Patrick Ewing: No, never Karl Malone.

⁹ – Are you sure there, little buddy? Geography was not a priority in school, I guess.

¹⁰ – Your guess is as good as mine.

¹¹ – This is what insiders like young Guy call it. You rubes might know it as the three-point shootout. I was skeptical of this claim, but Wikipedia confirms it. Also: it makes me sad that Tim Legler won the long shot championship in 1996.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 25, 1995

I would like to visit Norway because I would enjoy seeing the rivers, mountains, fjords, and shields¹². I think it would be beautiful to see Norway’s many natural features.¹³

¹² – Apparently a shield is a flat, rocky area typically found in the center of a continent. Oh stop pretending like you already knew. Just stop it.

¹³ – A rather ho-hum entry, I think. At the end, Mrs Robertson wrote, “It sounds like a beautiful country!” This is funny because I was really just repeating what we had learned about it in geography class (when I could have been learning that the Utah Jazz were in the Western Conference).

Sixth Grade Journal – January 26, 1995

Today I have a basketball game vs. Hatcher at the Hager gymnasium at 5:15 p.m.¹⁴

¹⁴ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “How did you do?” We played Hatcher, Mrs Robertson. No offense to any Hatcher Elementary alums that might read this, but we destroyed them every time. At least Crabbe and Poage could put up a fight.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 31, 1995

My favorite subject in school is definetely, positevely¹⁵, without a doubt has got to¹⁶ math in Mrs. Roberson’s¹⁷ class, I am good at it.¹⁸

¹⁵ – You can bet that the subject isn’t going to be spelling. Just a hunch.

¹⁶ – Or grammar, as if they even teach that in elementary school.

¹⁷ – Whoa whoa, Mrs Roberson? No “t” in her name? What the fudge is going on here? I’m beginning to think that my memory is mostly a lie.

¹⁸ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson (yes, I’m still calling her that, dammit) wrote, “Do you like ‘Challenge Group?’” Continuing with the theme of my memory being a lie, I can firmly say that I don’t remember “Challenge Group” at all. All I remember from sixth grade math is doing multiplication busy work, racing other kids in the class to see who could finish the work first. We would bet a quarter so that when I won I could buy more NBA pencils from the dispenser in the office. Then again, as we are steadily learning, I could just be making stuff up or remembering stuff I made up.