January 28 - Players of the Day

Third Grade Journal – January 6, 1992

Today is Jan. 6, 1992 Today’s player of the day is Minute Bol.¹ He 7 foot 7 inches. He is so tall that he bareley has to jump to slam dunk it!² Did you know he is the tallest basketball.³ But he is also very good at shooting⁴ He’s totally cool just plain owesom⁵.

¹ – In retrospect, it is kind of disappointing that the great “player of the day” entries begin with Minute Bol. It does get better. No really.

² – I suppose that is true.

³ – No, no I didn’t. I didn’t realize he was a basketball at all.

⁴ – This information is beginning to seem unreliable. In my defense, I felt this way because of some NBA blooper-type VHS tapes my family had, a few of which featured Minute Bol inexplicably shooting and making three-pointers. That was enough to convince me that he was a lights-out shooter.

⁵ – He may be just plain “owesom,” because he sure isn’t awesome.

Third Grade Journal – January 8, 1992⁶

Today’s player of the day is Scottie Pippien⁷. Number 33 for the Chicago Bulls. He is second best slam dunker in the NBA⁸. He wears Nike Air shoes and can slam dunk very well⁹. THe¹⁰ end

⁶ – I’m sort of fudging the date here a bit because this one isn’t labeled. I hope that someday you’ll be able to forgive me.

⁷ – The extra “i” in his last makes him sounds like a character from an Elizabethan drama. Just saying.

⁸ – This feeling is also due to the previously mentioned NBA videotapes. One was titled something like “Best Dunkers” and showed highlights from past dunk contests, one of which Scottie Pippen won. Since it showed him dunking from the foul line, something that amazed me, I guess that made him the second-best dunker since Jordan did it before him. Of course, the video didn’t note that Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Irving, and David Thompson used to do it all the time before Scottie or Michael were even in the league.

⁹ – Yes, I believe we’ve established this. If you have a magnifying glass, however, you will note that I clearly labeled “Nike Air” on both his shoes.

¹⁰ – Not a typo.

Third Grade Journal – January 10, 1992¹¹

Today’s player of the day is Charles Barkely¹². He plays for the Philedalphia 76ers. He can block and steal very well¹³. He is a very good at slam dunking. He pretty tall. about “68.”¹⁴

¹¹ – I’ve also fudged the date here a bit. Nothing like a good old-fashioned guessing game about journal entries from eighteen years ago.

¹² – Of all the drawings, this one has to be the worst. You can judge for yourself, but I’ve made the poor guy look like some kind of troll. He looks like a monster from a Guillermo del Toro movie. I know you’re not the handsomest guy to begin with, Charles, but I apologize.

¹³ – I know that I had quite a basketball card collection back in those days, so I suspect that I just looked at his numbers for that season and decided that he was doing enough to be considered very good in both those categories. He did average 1.81 steals per game that season, but only .59 blocks. This was below his .83 career average.

¹⁴ – Clearly I didn’t understand the whole feet/inches demarcation using apostrophes.

Third Grade Journal – January 15, 1992

Today’s player of the day is Patrick Ewing¹⁵. He is pretty tall, about 7 foot 1 inch. He plays for the n¹⁶ New York Knicks. He wears Nike airs in Cross trainigkind.¹⁷ He is taller than Micheal Jordan.¹⁸ He is 3rd place in slam dunking a basketball.¹⁹

¹⁵ – No, never Patrick Ewing.

¹⁶ – This is something I still do to this day that I can’t really explain. Even if I write in pencil I feel inclined to cross out a mistake rather than erase it.

¹⁷ – Oh really? Because you’ve clearly labeled his shoes as “Airs.” How do you explain that? Busted!

¹⁸ – He certainly is. This sentence also notes something that I have always felt, and that is that the name “Michael” looks as if it’s spelled incorrectly. I probably didn’t learn to write “Michael” instead of “Micheal” until I was in middle school. Seriously, even if your name is Michael, tell me that you’ve never had doubts about the spelling.

¹⁹ – He most certainly is not, and never was. Maybe he’d win third place at his family reunion dunk contest, but that’s about it.

Third Grade Journal – January 22, 1992

If I was princable I would take the kids to McDonald’s²⁰ every day except the bad kids. I would let the good kids have 5 days off.²¹ They would have recess for a hour.²² I would let the good kids go anywhere they wanted to recess, gym, lunch and music and computer. I would let them do whatever they want to do. I would let them have 17 summer vacations.²³ I would invite Micheal Jordan, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkely, Scotty Pippien, Kirby Puckett, Eric Davis, Chris Sabo, Barry Larkin,²⁴ Chili Davis, Jose Canseco²⁵, Kevin Mitchell, Darryl Strawberry, and make Adam sit in the garbage can all day.²⁶

²⁰ – It’s kind of sad that with all the typos made in this journal, McDonald’s is spelled correctly, with the lower-case c, upper-case D, and apostrophe.

²¹ – Like each week? So they’d never have to come? That’s pretty good.

²² – Wait, I thought they had five days off. Is this in case they decide to come even though they don’t have to? I’m a bit confused. But I like it, so keep going.

²³ – That is a lot. The idea of seventeen summers in a row sounds like a nightmare now, but I was playing baseball in those days, so it was all good.

²⁴ – Ah, the delusion of a young Cincinnati Reds fan. At least they were only two years removed from a World Series victory at that point.

²⁵ – Yes, so that he could namedrop me as a steroid coconspirator at some point. You promised you would never tell.

²⁶ – Best I can remember, Adam was Adam Lett, a super-hyper, super-annoying kid who just engaged in stupid antics all day in class, much to Mrs Wheeler’s dismay. He had a cute older sister, however, which is probably why none of us ever beat him up. My priorities back then were really good.

January 21 - Sixth Grade Bonanza (part five)

The continuing saga of updating from someone else’s computer continues. I learned earlier this week that apparently my computer is magical in that it is capable of maintaining the formatting I use in MS Word when I paste it into the blog. Other computers? Not so much. So when you read this, know that I had to put in all of the underlining, italics, and superscript by hand. The things I do for all two of you…

Sixth Grade Journal – January 13, 1994¹
I don’t understand why baseball players are on strike², why I don’t have a girlfriend, and why I need braces.³

¹ – In an example of my honesty in bringing these tales to you, I thought I’d point out that I mislabeled the year for this entry. See, I am fallible!
² – Because they are greedy, moronic SOB’s, that’s why. This really affected me as a kid.
³ – Not sure which of these two things is the reason for the “TOP SECRET” label. I mean obviously I have a guess, but inevitably the braces were far more damning. Also, maybe I was getting a little out of control with the “Stay Out” labels.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 14, 1995
A button, because a button can hold something together⁴, or if you push a button a reaction can happen⁵

⁴ – This entire entry is written in mock-italics except for the phrase “can hold something together.” Like many things in these journals, this is a complete mystery.
⁵ – Sure, all these things are true, but what kind of topic could make you write an entry about how much you like buttons? Confusing.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 18, 1995
Name of a play, a performance, a maraige⁶, or a hologram are something I would like to see on a PROSCENIUM.⁷ leather, a mirror, or lanvendar⁸, it would also be nice to see a chandlier.⁹

⁶ – If you think about it, this is probably the way it should be spelled. Maybe with two r’s, but let’s be honest, the i before a isn’t really helping anybody.
⁷ – I clearly demonstrated some understanding of this word, but I had to look it up just fifteen years later. Powerful, effective work, Mrs Robertson.
⁸ – Assuming this word is supposed to be “lavender,” I am having serious trouble discerning the meaning of the word proscenium from this entry.
⁹ – Okay okay, I caved. A proscenium is the area of a modern theatre that is located between the curtain and the orchestra. There.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 19, 1995
Today I have Hager basketball team practice at 6:00 p.m. in the Hager Elementary School¹⁰ I also have an open notes quiz in Science class today. We also have gym (P.E.) and computers in school.¹¹
gymnasium.

¹⁰ – This is particularly thorough. I didn’t just have practice, I have Hager basketball team practice, at a specific time, and in a specific place. Accuracy is important.
¹¹ – An open notes quiz, gym, and computers? How did I contain myself?

Sixth Grade Journal – January 20, 1995
Brothers and sister¹² fight a lot because they usually a really bad disagreement¹³, or the main reason is that they don’t like each other or one made the other extremely mad.¹⁴

¹² – Notice the singular “sister” here. Oh, I had two sisters alright. But I only fought with one. She might think this was funny if she ever bothered to read any of this. THANKS FOR NOTHING.
¹³ – Such a bad disagreement that I couldn’t concentrate enough to put a verb in the sentence. Furthermore, I usually a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
¹⁴ – Again, notice the lack of reciprocity in that closing statement. It’s not because they made each other mad, it’s because one of them specifically made the other mad. I wonder who made who mad?

January 20 - Sixth Grade Bonanza (part four)

Yet another egregious violation. Read on, dear friends.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 4, 1995
1) To get all A’s in 6^th grade.¹
2) To make 1^st string for the Wildcats.²
3) To score 20 points for the Wildcats.
4) To have 100 rebounds for the Wildcats.³
5) To have a girlfriend.⁴

¹ – This did come true. I didn’t get my first B until seventh grade. No thanks to Mrs Berrong or Mrs Robertson.
² – This, sadly, did not come true. This was the year that Brandon Galloway’s dad took over as coach of the basketball team, and he made his son the starter instead of me. I’m not saying that I was decidedly better than Brandon, but I am saying that he was far and away the worst player out of the starting five.
³ – I love these priorities. I didn’t want to score, I just wanted to get some boards and help the team win.
⁴ – In retrospect, this doesn’t really seem like something I should have tried to hide or been embarrassed about. There also isn’t any writing from Mrs Robertson on this page, so it’s possible that she actually heeded my wishes and didn’t read the page marked “Top Secret.” But who wants to believe that?

Sixth Grade Journal – January 5, 1995
Today I have a Verity Academic Meet⁵ right after school. I also have basketball practice at 6:00.⁶

⁵ – Seriously, I wish I had talked more about the academic meets from that era. In case you don’t know, this is the same as Governor’s Cup. It was pretty awesome.
⁶ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good Luck – How did you do at the meet?” Nice mock concern! I see through this silliness.

Sixth Grade Journal – January 6, 1995
I would change no Sega or Super Nintendo on school nights and no running.⁷

⁷ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “In the house?” There was no running in my family’s house, but I love that she just glosses over the Sega/SNES bit, which was far more important and crippling. I remember complaining all the time that the only reason my parents bought video games for me was so they could take them away as some sort of punishment. I mean, what else is there to do on a Tuesday night except play a little Link to the Past?

Sixth Grade Journal – January 11, 1995
No, because they are too ready or eager to please or obey.⁸

⁸ – Above this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Topic?” Honestly, I have no real idea who the “they” refers to here. Something about the teacher’s pet(s), maybe?

Sixth Grade Journal – January 12, 1995
Today a basketball game at Holy Family⁹ at 4:15, I also have a dinner with Oscar Robertson.¹⁰

⁹ – Holy Family was an awesome place to play basketball because they had a legit hardwood floor. It really felt special when we played there. Of course, along with that I remember almost every game I played in there involved some type of debacle, which I thankfully did not describe in this journal.
¹⁰ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “The Oscar Robertson? Tell me about it!” I don’t think they were related. And I didn’t tell her about it.

January 19 - Sixth Grade Bonanza (part three)

Sixth Grade Journal – December 14, 1994
1) cash 2) purse 3) credit cards 4) checks 5) mall 6) money<sup>1

1</sup> – Arguably the least exciting entry out of the whole lot so far. However, I am amused by the idea that I listed the word “money” considering that the topic is likely to have been something like listing words associated with money.


Sixth Grade Journal – December 14, 1994
If I could have one wish for the world it would be for people to have kinder hearts and more loving souls.<sup>2

2</sup> – This is pretty much the sweetest thing I could have ever written. I hope you enjoy it. At the bottom of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Yes!” I should have noted that kinder hearts and more loving souls did not include forgiving her for her glibness and constant violations of my privacy.


Sixth Grade Journal – December 15, 1994
Today at school we are having our Christmas party.<sup>3

3</sup> – Also a strong contender for least exciting entry thus far. Like this is ALP Journal-quality badness.


Sixth Grade Journal – December 16, 1994
1) Merry 2) Mess 3) Messy 4) Christmas 5) Mam⁴ 6) Carrie⁵ 7) Sat 8) Sun⁶ 9) Matter 10) Mass 11) Christ⁷ 12) Miss
13) Mist 14) Stem⁸ 15) Yams⁹ 16) Arrest 17) Tim 18) Carry 19) Sam 20) Yes 21) Am 22) Tea 23) Set 24) Chris 25) Car 26) Is 27) As 28) Master 29) Mister 30) Ram

⁴ – Technically, I think it’s spelled “ma’am.” For the record, my guess is that this topic is something like listing words than can be spelled from the letters in “Merry Christmas.”
⁵ – I don’t want to chide ten-year-old Guy too hard, but I’m not sure that names should count.
⁶ – I’ll be honest: when I first saw “Sat” and “Sun” on this list, I thought they were abbreviations for Saturday and Sunday and was going to deride my younger self for not including regular words. My brain has its fair share of misfires.
⁷ – I guess Christ should count even though it’s kind of a proper noun. I mean, he’s the reason for the season, unless you believe in the war on Christmas, in which case I would prefer it if you didn’t read this blog any more.
⁸ – I initially thought this said “Stern,” and this is why cursive is terrible and useless.
⁹ – I will say that it is somewhat remarkable that I only included one plural word in the whole list. I was just brimming with potential, no thanks to Mrs Robertson. Nevertheless, at the bottom of this entry, Mrs Robertson did draw a smiley face.


Sixth Grade Journal – January 3, 1995
1) Getting a Sega Genesis with 32X.¹⁰
2) Setting a Green Day CD.¹¹
3) Getting a Calligraphy set.<sup>12

10</sup> – Sadly, I got this. Since I’m sure you weren’t silly and unlucky enough to get a 32X, know that it was a terrible and useless game system. The Genesis, however, was and forever will be awesome.
¹¹ – And I got it, too. I listened to my copy of Dookie (which I always pronounced like “cookie” instead of the way it’s apparently supposed to be pronounced) until it was scratched beyond recognition. “When I Come Around” was my favorite.
¹² – I got this, too, but I don’t really remember getting it. As is common in my family, however, my mother recently found the set (which, as you math geniuses can tell, is now a gift from fifteen years ago) and gave it to me a second time. At the bottom of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Did you get any of these?” Seriously, this woman needs to quit trying to track my every move. She probably works for the CIA by now or something.

January 18 - Sixth Grade Bonanza (part two)

So my computer has been on the fritz for the last week, which means that I have to cart around pre-written updates and plead with others to let me use their Internet connection. It's a brutal life. But I'm thinking of you. Please enjoy.

Oh, and I realize that I originally entitled this update "January 15." See, I really had good intentions.


Sixth Grade Journal – December 9, 1994
A – angels
B – Bethlehem
C – cupid¹
D – dancer²
E – elf
F – Feliz Navidad³
G – gifts⁴
H – heart
I – ice-skating
J – Jingle Bells
K – Kris Kringle⁵
L – love⁶
M – manger
N – no school⁷
O – ornament
P – Partridge in a Pear Tree
Q – questions for Santa⁸
R – reindeer
S – Saint Nicholas
T – trees⁹
U – under the mistletoe
V – Vixon¹⁰
W – White Christmas¹¹
X – X mas
Y – yuletide¹²
Z – zamboni<sup>13

1</sup> – Assuming that the goal here was to create a list of Christmas-themed words, I’m not quite sure what Cupid has to do with it. I mean, I know Christmas is a time for love and sharing and all that fun stuff, but isn’t Valentines’ Day sort of his gig?
² – I’m pretty sure I’m referring to the reindeer here (even though I didn’t capitalize it) instead of just the idea of a dancer. I hope, at least.
³ – Nothing wrong with a little multiculturalism. Nice touch, self.
⁴ – It’s good to look out for number one.
⁵ – Next to this part, Mrs Robertson drew a little smiley face. Apparently my classmates struggled with this one.
⁶ – How sweet. See, I told you Christmas is a time for love and sharing…
⁷ – Nevertheless, it’s always good to have your priorities in order.
⁸ – A little weak on the Q, I think. I mean it’s probably the toughest one on the list, but I think I played a little fast and loose with the rules here. What I’m really trying to say is that this would get voted down if we were playing Scattergories.
⁹ – I’m not sure how Christmas-specific "trees" are. I’m just saying.
¹⁰ – This is probably a misspelling of “Vixen” instead of a reference to some sort of futuristic robot reindeer.
¹¹ – I capitalized both words, so this must refer to the Bing Crosby song. If so, why did I call it “I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas” in an entry just days earlier? Mysteries abound!
¹² – This one I’m particularly proud of. But no smiley face. Thanks for ruining my confidence, Mrs Robertson. Brutal!
¹³ – This, however, has a smiley face next to it even though zambonis have practically nothing to do with Christmas. At the bottom of this entry, Mrs Robertson also wrote, “Nice Job!” It doesn’t make up for the lack of a smiley face next to “yuletide.”

January 14 - Sixth Grade Bonanza (part one)

I promise that I'm going to get us back up to speed before the end of January. I don't use the word "promise" a lot with things like this, so hopefully we can work together. After all, I realize how empty and painful your life is without Annoyance updates.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 29, 1994
We always have Christmas at my house, We always have a lot of relatives over¹. Last year I got a Game Gear², 2 years ago I got a 3 in 1 tournament table³, a S.N.E.S., a couch, & a lot of cash.⁴

¹ – I do have some memories of this, and while I thought it was nice to see extended family on around Christmas, I always felt that it was weird that there always seemed to be people stopping by. I mean all I wanted to do was watch Home Alone but these aunts and uncles and cousins keep interrupting.
² – Yeah, I know you’ve already forgotten what this is. I wore out the Sonic the Hedgehog game I had even though I was terrible at it.
³ – This gift was most notable for its ping pong surface, which was the site of tons of battles in my family’s basement. And we would always listen to the second-hand C+C Music Factory CD’s I got from my older sister while we played. Pretty awesome.
⁴ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “What did you do with your cash?” While the question seems natural because I demonstrated a strange ability to remember past Christmas gifts, what business was it of hers??? Stick to invading people’s privacy and quite trying to track how I spend my money, lady.

Sixth Grade Journal – November 30, 1994
1) Cup of Disney movies at Burger King
2) Makeup
3) Keychains
4) Tapes
5) Dumbells⁵

⁵ – Above this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Topic?” I’ll give her this one. I have no idea what the hell I’m trying to list here. Seriously. I have nothing.

Sixth Grade Journal – December 1, 1994
Today I have a Verity governor’s cup⁶ meet Vs. Russell at 4:30, and I have a Hager basketball game at 5:15⁷ Vs. Poage⁸

⁶ – Governor’s Cup was a key figure in some of the best experiences of this era of my life, and it’s a real shame that I didn’t mention it more in these journals. It’s really kind of unbelievable that I didn’t mention it.
⁷ – I’m not quite sure how I expected to get through with an entire Governor’s Cup meet and make it to a basketball game forty-five minutes later. Magic, I guess.
⁸ – At the bottom of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good Luck!” Nice try, Mrs Robertson, I’m not falling for your tricks.

Sixth Grade Journal – December 2, 1994
My best Christmas present ever was probably the beautiful stiffe bear⁹ I got in the 1980’s.

⁹ – I just learned that it’s actually a steiff bear, but I can’t find a picture that is anywhere close to the one I had. It was huge and snow white and smooth, and these ones today are much smaller and off-white and sometimes raggy-looking. What a shame.

Sixth Grade Journal – December 6, 1994
1 – Jingle Bell Rock
2 – Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
3 – I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas¹⁰
4 – Holly Jolly Christmas
5 – Rocking Around The Christmas Tree
6 – Suzy Snowflake¹¹

¹⁰ – Or just “White Christmas.” Whichever you prefer.
¹¹ – At the end of this entry, Mrs Robertson wrote, “Good Ones! I’ve never heard #6.” I was prepared to write about how I had invented this song to spite Mrs Robertson, but it turns out that it’s actually real. Disappointing. The video is pretty creepy to me.

Sixth Grade Journal – December 7, 1994
Santa Claus is very JOCUND because he’s merry, pleasent, cheerful, happy, & joyful¹²

¹² – I’m not a big fan of this vocabulary-through-journal-entry tactic. It wasn’t particularly effective for me, because I don’t recall remembering what “jocund” meant until it was Dictionary.com’s Word of the Day like a year ago.

Sixth Grade Journal – December 8, 1994
Today I have a singing presentation called the “Festival of Carols,”¹³ it is at Paul Blazer High¹⁴ gym at 7:00 p.m.

¹³ – I did a lot of singing in these days. It was fun and a lot of my friends stuck with it while I didn’t (for mostly silly reasons). I don’t remember what was on this particular presentation, but I remember tons and tons of silly singing recitals.
¹⁴ – I was terrified of Paul Blazer when I was young just because the kids there were so much older. The first time I went to Verity (the middle school in Ashland) for ALP, someone got attacked and cut with a glass bottle, and I was scared to go in the place for a long time after that.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday season. Happy New Year!