May 28, 2011 - States! And driving! As promised!

So I’m getting ready to embark on one of my summer whirlwind tours (a result of not liking airplanes¹ all that much), and I thought it appropriate to actually do what I promised to do months ago and fill you in on the worst states to drive in. Since I’ll be driving about 3,000 miles in the next three weeks – several hundred in two of the states on this list – it will probably be nice to think about how much it sucks to drive in certain places before I hit the road. Nothing makes me look forward to a trip like remembering how much certain parts of it will drive me nuts².

After all this anticipation³, it is time to begin the Race to Determine the Worst Drivers in America. The third worst state to drive in⁴ is…

OHIO

If you have ever driven in Ohio, this entry should tell you how serious I am about this list. Being surrounded by Ohio drivers is an absolute nightmare⁵, and a lot of people I know will probably consider this list invalid simply because I don’t rate Ohio drivers as the worst I have encountered. I am not going to justify why I have rated other states as worse than Ohio just yet⁶, but I can explain why Ohio is such a dreadful place to drive in. There are two simple (yet dangerous and annoying) reasons why Ohio drivers are so brutally awful. They are as follows.

#1 – Ohio drivers would rather die a horrible death and spend eternity in a lake of fire than get the hell out of the left lane.⁷

To demonstrate this, I want to paint a picture for you⁸. Imagine that you are driving through the impossibly flat farmlands of Ohio, and there are no cars around you. Then, in the distance, you spot a car a mile or so away. This car is entirely by itself: it is not passing or being passed by any car, and is otherwise completely alone. At this point, I want to issue you a guarantee⁹: it is an absolute certainty that the car you are approaching is driving in the left lane for no freaking reason at all.

This phenomenon is by no means limited to moments when cars are alone or isolated. In the middle of heavy highway traffic, it is beyond commonplace to see dozens of cars stalled in the left lane because of one doofus sitting in the left lane, completely oblivious to the surrounding world. And what’s worse is that said doofus will readily compound this problem by then trying to force his way into the right lane as if trying to get into a stream of passing traffic (which, due to his idiocy, is exactly what he is doing).

In a way, the rules of the road seem to be reversed for most Ohio drivers: “cruising” seems to take place in the left lane, which forces the right lane to become the passing/fast lane. The worst part? Being aware of this means that in order to not be frustrated by it you either have to not care (clearly impossible for me) or to do what they do (a even less desirable position).

Personally, I am at a loss to explain such behavior. Regardless of your response to my ranting, the notion that the left lane is meant for passing is something we must agree upon. Perhaps it is possible that Ohioans do think the left lane is for passing, but think that it is more for passing cornfields and silos than other automobiles. Honestly, I can’t quite say.

With this in mind, I am forced to turn to other sources for explanation. Accordingly, one of my friends has attempted to explain this aggressively annoying habit of camping out in the left lane with the second reason why driving in Ohio sucks more than it should:

#2 – Ohio drivers live in a world where nothing, absolutely nothing exists behind their field of vision.

For another moment, return to the picture I painted for you before. Once you pass this car (which will undoubtedly remain in the left lane as you steadily approach from miles away), odds are very good that the driver will then switch into the right lane after you pass. This makes the way Ohioans drive that much harder to understand, because it suggests that they actually know that they should cruise in the right lane but just decide not to. And you must keep in mind that I’m talking about an entire state full of drivers, not one individual or a small group.

The conclusion reached by my friend is that Ohio drivers are completely oblivious of the road (and possibly the world) as it exists behind them. Of course, this doesn’t really explain why they are in the left lane in the first place (as if anything or anyone could), but instead just makes them that much sillier and stranger. If you think about it, driving must be really frightening for them. What would you make of a rearview mirror if you didn’t believe that there was anything behind you¹⁰?

So, in conclusion, we are left with two explanations for the behavior of Ohio drivers: the first is that they do not believe that the lanes on the road have any real meaning, and the second is that they do not believe in mirrors or that a world exists behind their field of vision. This means that they likewise do not believe in light, physics, history, time, or human decency, but those things are more up for debate¹¹.

If you find yourself headed into the Buckeye State this summer, be prepared to spend more time than you normally would in the right lane. And if you end up in the left lane? Well, all I can do is wish you good luck. You’re going to need it. I know that I’m looking forward to not driving a single mile in Ohio for the whole summer. It’s going to be great.

¹ – Naturally, I assume you know about this. If you don’t, it’s sure to come up again.

² – That is not my real motivation for doing this, of course. The only way I torture myself is by harboring the illusion that people read this blog and are entertained by it.

³ – You’ve been anticipating. Don’t lie, I can see it in your face. Seriously, it’s more than a little silly that it took me almost four months to get this thing started. What a goober.

⁴ – Keep in mind the terms of this whole project: it’s not about what state has the worst roads or driving environment, but what state is worst to drive in because of the prospect of being surrounded by drivers of that state. I could have probably said that in like half the words I actually used, but we’re sticking with it.

⁵ – Honestly, if you see these (how ugly can a license plate get?) on all sides, it’s probably worth it to jerk the e-brake and shoot for the median. It will hurt your body more, but your brain will thank you.

⁶ – Admit it: you like the tease. Suspense! Only one other person in the entire world (in the world, I say) knows the order. Coincidentally, he is probably the only person reading this. Shit.

⁷ – Or, as I am fond of saying, it takes a bazooka and a court order to get an Ohio driver out of the left lane.

⁸ – Another of my many, many skills. Prepare to be enchanted.

⁹ – I wanted to issue a challenge, but that seemed like too much work.

¹⁰ – Honestly, think about that for a second. You would think that mirrors were like portals into some weird alternate dimension. That explains so much about Ohio drivers.

¹¹ – Although taking the position that Ohioans do believe in those things strikes me as a fool’s errand.